from may 18...

...Another One Bites The Dust

Sometimes I surprise myself with my own strength. There are times that I step back from my situations and observe, like a proud parent, what I have become.. what I stand up for. For as long as I can remember, I've been the little one. The one to look out for, the one to protect. I think I have resented this for just as long, haha. It's fun, in a fairy tale sort of way, to think that there is always someone to save you. It's like living inside of a constant game of Truth or Dare, and always finding a strange sort of safety in picking the latter. But there came a point where I was tired of being saved. I have had absolutely no desire to be a victim. I want to be the one to WATCH OUT for... Being onstage last night felt like I was performing the biggest catastrophe a stage had ever held and all that people did was watch. Jaws dropped, questions in eye, not a stir in the room. No movement, no noise. I felt absolutely stripped and while the words spilled out I couldn't even see anyone breathing. Playing as my hands shook and stuttering as I sang, I would've been on the floor had it not been for the stool! In those moments, I fell victim to my lyrics. I became my hero. The audience was as absurd an audience as I have ever seen, haha. The song started with me singing to the silence, but finished somewhere between their roar and the stifle of my cry. If there was even one person who felt what I felt in that room, I know that I am doing what I was made to do. One day, I will be the one to turn to for the comfort of my words and for the warmth of my voice. In last night's game I chose Truth, so the next time that I play, I Dare you to listen...

And if the world turns its back on us maybe we can save ourselves.

I have never fallen apart onstage and I've never been so emotional after getting off of it! Sitting there, I felt the strongest urge saying, 'You are exactly where you were meant to be,' and the biggest push to run, to get away, to hide. Never felt so scared. So happy... so real. So, so tacky, haha.


the punches come
and so i roll
i've taken some
fallen to more

i can fight the tears
i can hide the pain
but the bruises show
and the stains remain

i'll just keep breathing til the war is done
soldier through it til the end.. i am me, i am one

the foes, they befriend me
the cool cats that turn to dogs
they come with faces of conviction
another battle will be lost

another star i'll give a wish
another prayer i will whisper
once i think my heart has slowed
the paces keep on, quicker, quicker

i'll just keep breathing til the war is done
soldier through it til the end.. i am me, i am one

until the day they prove me wrong
my scoreboards none for blank
i'll beat my purple heart right on
and battle til my dying day

so i'll keep breathing til the war is done
i'll tell of my legend.. i am me, the only one


love you,
love, me.

mariel.