Circus Circa '95

Circus Circa '95

I remember when all I knew was the silver lining to life. When laying in the grass, as my new best friend's wife, nibbling at the roots and turning potato bugs into little un-break-up-able balls were the most important matters at hand. I remember when I didn't understand... When every question that I asked (no matter how ridiculous) had a beautifully sugar-coated (even more ridiculous) answer to it. I used to be daring. No fear! I was invincible and I conquered every mountain, scaring away the squeamish with my brave embrace on adventure. The principal would always walk tall, and I'd wiggle my chin as high as it'd reach, tipping on the very tippy tip of toes, just to get my nose in the air, smelling the teacher's recipe for dirt cup on my lips. And I'd smile without my front toof. I had ALL the gold stars that one could possibly get. And I remember getting the yellow slips for perfect attendance, then "walking" (running) to the office to trade it in for a dinosaur eraser. (I always chose red. Called him Rex. Lost him every week until I'd get him again the next.) I remember cops and robbers and cooties and chasers. Red rover, double dutch, jacks, and shark.. I remember never wanting to be the last one picked for doctor dodgeball and always wondering what was over that fence behind the big kids' tree. I remember having the time to talk about time. Wondering what it'd be like after this; after we weren't allowed on the yellow monkey bars and were given lockers for all the heavy, enpsychopedia-looking books that we were supposed to let a boy carry anyway. And what it'd be like when I got reeeally old, when I could finally drive.. where would I go? I remember you told me you HAD to know, so you could be there, too. So, you and me, we promised. We said, "Honest," and squoze our pinkies tight... we said we'd meet here.. where, if we lay 16 Gozilla steps right past the lunch guard, and looked up, we'd see our circus. We promised that on the day we saw the elephant in the sky, we'd meet, and it'd be the same and we'd catch up and if the other didn't have their beaded gecko and their half heart bff necklace and the matching nano pet (and it didn't count if they died), that they were a stinky, moldy, kept-in-a-dirty-sock rotten egg. And we'd divorce, and grow older, and wrinklier, and sadder, apart. So, every now and then, I look up.. and I've seen ducks, and sheep and lions. But no elephant; all silver lining, which I now know is just holding the rain. Just know that I'm waiting, because I'd love to be there, with you, again... Though it's kinda nice to know I haven't growed up yet.

--

love you,

love, me.

But

Love Happiness & Faith

should not come with conditions...

Would I be asking too much if I expected my heart to

love alone

rejoice alone

and have faith in nothing but its own pulse?

I'm only weak, only human

always fragile, always hungry

And the choices that I seem to be left with are beyond primitive.

I'm offered up all of the fancy things

and all of the extras and a feast of advancements

But to feel these,

to touch, to capture and to acquire these riches

I'm always forced to sacrifice part of the bare, unshakeable and raw brilliance.

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And then I tear up again

And write another line, for only me to read

And then I spread it...

I send it out because I can't stand to keep it in

And if only for a second, it helps

because I've done it for no other reason that to better myself

And I'm reminded that I still care

and I still love

and I have faith

that I'll be happy outside of the lies we tell ourselves..

Because THAT is raw, real and true...

With no "but," no "just as long as,"

Only what's interpreted between me & you..

Only feeling.

--

love you,

love, me.