i'm okay.

I've been thinkin'
I've been blinking winter in
and out my life
But they keep sayin' it's July...
Why haven't I melted?

It's okay that I'm numb
A little love-struck
A little dumb
That puppy didn't wanna bite
I just know that I felt it

Give me thorns with those roses
High chins with those noses
And wins with the losses
From the most braggadocious
Typos with the text
And wake for the rest
And wait for the best
With the worst worth while
Because
I don't want any
If I can't have it all

Lust
Pain
Illness
Rain
Cold
Grime
Lonesome
Time
Filth
Breaks
Cuts
Hate
Bruises
Black
Contusions
Facts

I'm okay with maybe
not being okay for awhile
If in the meantime
Waiting
Is this
:)

--

Love you,
Love, me.

marijessanne
sarangay.

Circus Circa '95

Circus Circa '95

I remember when all I knew was the silver lining to life. When laying in the grass, as my new best friend's wife, nibbling at the roots and turning potato bugs into little un-break-up-able balls were the most important matters at hand. I remember when I didn't understand... When every question that I asked (no matter how ridiculous) had a beautifully sugar-coated (even more ridiculous) answer to it. I used to be daring. No fear! I was invincible and I conquered every mountain, scaring away the squeamish with my brave embrace on adventure. The principal would always walk tall, and I'd wiggle my chin as high as it'd reach, tipping on the very tippy tip of toes, just to get my nose in the air, smelling the teacher's recipe for dirt cup on my lips. And I'd smile without my front toof. I had ALL the gold stars that one could possibly get. And I remember getting the yellow slips for perfect attendance, then "walking" (running) to the office to trade it in for a dinosaur eraser. (I always chose red. Called him Rex. Lost him every week until I'd get him again the next.) I remember cops and robbers and cooties and chasers. Red rover, double dutch, jacks, and shark.. I remember never wanting to be the last one picked for doctor dodgeball and always wondering what was over that fence behind the big kids' tree. I remember having the time to talk about time. Wondering what it'd be like after this; after we weren't allowed on the yellow monkey bars and were given lockers for all the heavy, enpsychopedia-looking books that we were supposed to let a boy carry anyway. And what it'd be like when I got reeeally old, when I could finally drive.. where would I go? I remember you told me you HAD to know, so you could be there, too. So, you and me, we promised. We said, "Honest," and squoze our pinkies tight... we said we'd meet here.. where, if we lay 16 Gozilla steps right past the lunch guard, and looked up, we'd see our circus. We promised that on the day we saw the elephant in the sky, we'd meet, and it'd be the same and we'd catch up and if the other didn't have their beaded gecko and their half heart bff necklace and the matching nano pet (and it didn't count if they died), that they were a stinky, moldy, kept-in-a-dirty-sock rotten egg. And we'd divorce, and grow older, and wrinklier, and sadder, apart. So, every now and then, I look up.. and I've seen ducks, and sheep and lions. But no elephant; all silver lining, which I now know is just holding the rain. Just know that I'm waiting, because I'd love to be there, with you, again... Though it's kinda nice to know I haven't growed up yet.

--

love you,

love, me.

But

Love Happiness & Faith

should not come with conditions...

Would I be asking too much if I expected my heart to

love alone

rejoice alone

and have faith in nothing but its own pulse?

I'm only weak, only human

always fragile, always hungry

And the choices that I seem to be left with are beyond primitive.

I'm offered up all of the fancy things

and all of the extras and a feast of advancements

But to feel these,

to touch, to capture and to acquire these riches

I'm always forced to sacrifice part of the bare, unshakeable and raw brilliance.

ad7fiq8q29p3847re9fy

And then I tear up again

And write another line, for only me to read

And then I spread it...

I send it out because I can't stand to keep it in

And if only for a second, it helps

because I've done it for no other reason that to better myself

And I'm reminded that I still care

and I still love

and I have faith

that I'll be happy outside of the lies we tell ourselves..

Because THAT is raw, real and true...

With no "but," no "just as long as,"

Only what's interpreted between me & you..

Only feeling.

--

love you,

love, me.

iWant.

show me brains like A***

eyes like B****

a drive like C****

and mystery like D****

love fun, like E****

have a spirit like F***

take care of me like G***

surprise me like H****

be blunt like I**

fit me like J****

speak slow & smooth like K***

succeed like L******

have as much swag as M***

as much style as N***

fix your lips like O*******

make me laugh like P*****

feel me like Q**

get dirty like R***

move like S****

show me hands like T***

make me wanna be better for/than/like U

smile like V****

be my muse like W******

be ready like X****

be honest like Y****

and be true like Z***

man.

if that doesn't spell it out for you...

; )

love you,

love, me.

Just Sometimes

Sometimes I like to spend the entire day alone :)
I like to sleep in, crawl out of bed and slip into some warm fuzzies,
make myself a meal at 1pm, calling it breakfast 'cause I can.
It's usually Raisin Bran...
'cause that reminds me of summers at home
Sometimes.

After some 2AM Club-ing on my iPod I might take it for a walk.
I know the parks get lonely nowadays,
so I make my way,
sunglasses, hood, and headphones on
'cause all I want is to listen
Sometimes.

Now, Paper Route.
I like to watch the tears of autumn
dancing down, one by one
and I try, really hard, to focus on the greens
But the reds always catch my eye...

Sometimes we like to do a dinner date, myself & I
Sushi is usually best.
I smile at the chef and he wonders at my solitude
but being too polite to ask, he just smiles back
Sometimes.

Sometimes I come home late and nobody complains
nobody minds that I took the long way
and nobody laughs at how badly I park sometimes.
And sometimes, I slip back into bed
wrapping a winter mitten around Ben's pint of coffee ice cream
and at 11pm I daydream, 'cause I can.
I smile at how happy my day was, alone
and I swear to do it more often.
I want to get online and tell you about it
But for about an hour, I fight it
and then the warm fuzzies start to come
and my eyes get all misty
and I finally quit kidding myself
and I just plain miss you
Sometimes.

I Shouldn't.

im in laughlin, nv right now sitting poolside at a rannndom hotel and everyone else is out here smoking, drinking and talking about the competition, haha. im burned out right now, but i can't complain.. there is always drama but there are definitely good people here and now that i've finally found internet i feel like writing. there are a few things going on in my life and in some of the people close to me & the things that i write probably/hopefully sum up a lot of situations, but this particular one is for a friend...

---

Let me just tell you... quick, before they catch me;
I feel like you're every kind of wonderful.

I've been trying to hold this in for what seems like forever, and now I can finally free my words, but what can I say before you stop listening? What can I say that'll still be heard? Can I say that you're my thrill? Cuz you're actually MORE than what I could ask for... Even your faults are endearing, your lies are worth hearing and though there are times that you're right here with me, I miss you, still.

Everyone tries to tame you but I want you just the way you are! I love your recklessness, your risk and your fury. I love that you scare and secure me at the same time and I love that when I'm with you I never have to worry, I'm always fine. I'm always smiling. You're alwayyys you.

Your consistency is divine and your devilish grin gets me through and through but your eyes say different than your swag... I love it when you're bad :) But when you're good, you're GOOD and it's the best I'll never have, cuz they won't let it be. They won't let you have me in any way and there's so many things they won't let me do, so is there anything that I can really say to you? I've been trying to hold this in to keep us together, and now that I'm finally free, my words are threatening me with our forever because we're not allowed to risk our ships.... not our "friend" for our "relation," and my time with you right now's a-wastin'! Ha... our consciences are back now, I guess I'd better back down and save these things for the day you decide to say what I never could... Cuz I think you feel it too.

---

love you,
love, me.


ps...... im really proud of the "risk our ships" line. yesssss, me! i miss that game :(

2 Day

Today was a struggle. Nothing worked out the way it was supposed to! Nadaaaa. But you pick up and move when needed, i guess. I have tomorrow and then thursday i head out.. i wrote a poem on 9/6/09 i'll put up. getting lazier as i type. haha.. anyway, i spent time @ the beach that day and this pretty much sums up how i feel about


"Hermosa"

laying in patience, waiting for the sand to swallow me up... but this old beach never did move fast enough. watching, impatient, wanting the sun to give in and burn out, but it boasts incessantly, hot and proud.

soft, the sand is my constant
strong, the sun is my ride

colder now, the winds start to threaten my eden. but i'm so stubborn. i'm not leavin'. my hope's gone and im determined to detect it. by sun, sky, waves and grains i stand: lost, but always protected.

how many people come to you, Ocean? how many have lived in your depths...?
how much of you is made of my tears, and how much is made up from the rest?

home again, away from the shells, apart from the comfort of a stand still breeze. i smell roses at my door, i feel nothing of my pride, i wish you could hear my screams. im dancing. im dazed and im dozing off, i miss you but i'll never say it. with sand as a memory and the moon as my guard, Hermosa, im infatuated. Goodnight.


we've created a healthy bond, the beach & i. we've upgraded to day time visits... i'll write a better one.. i think i actually have one but i think ive already posted it "/

anyway, stuff to do tomorrow = i should sleep. or lay here i guess until the zzz's take over.

love you,
love, me.

mariel.