Real Eyes

It takes a certain kind of soul to realize the joy in pain. Cynical, maybe, or brutally broody, but really quite beautiful in a dark and brilliant way. There is so much growth to be made in a person while immediately recooperating from the realities of life, and I am so scared that I'll be the person to overlook said growth as I concentrate on numbing my feelings. I like to believe that I am beautiful inside, and I wonder if I'll ever see it in my reflection, in a photo, or on a screen. I wonder if the walls I put up will ever fall to the defenses I carry against myself, or if the force of someone else will tear them down. I think, somewhere in my mind, I like to imagine that if I don't allow myself to get caught up in the romance of an emotion, I will not get hurt. I am quick to forget that if I refuse the pain of a breakdown, I am also refusing the comfort of pleasure.. Can I refuse the dark and gain full appreciation of light? Can I refuse hate and still understand the truth in love? Am I willing to find out? And is it ever possible to actually do so knowingly...?

The fairytale of "happily ever after" is such a hopeful and seemingly effortless one! Is it then that I try to strive for what I can piece together as a logical dream come true, or do I take a back seat, in faith, and let the universe weave its own patchwork? Some days, I know that I deserve to smile... Other days, I pray that smiles will seep into my veins and become second nature. I hope for joy, and for pain to balance it out and stop me from taking it for granted. Jealousy is an ugly emotion, therefore I am disappointed in myself whenever a person, an action, or lack of either can get to my envious insecurities. I only want to be pleased with myself. I understand that I cannot shape my being around what others expect me to be because I will ALWAYS let someone down. At the end of the day, however, I have to live with me. I have to deal with me, pray with me, lay with me and wake up with ME. I cannot be for anyone but myself. I cannot invite anyone into my home until I have built one to invite them to, thus I cannot lend myself to anyone without knowing that I have reign, I have rule and I am unfaultering in my stance against weakness.

B is a mystery.
Q is missed.
A is aMAZING.

I'm sleepy now. Haha, write soon...


love you,
love, me

mariel.