Observe. Adapt. Conquer.

Watching Home Makeover Edition. I've been not as happy as I've wanted to be lately. And as much as I would love to be the person with a super positive, happy, enlightening blog, it's easier to 'talk' here than to anyone I can actually call up. Ssssso, here, I spill.

It's a weird situation when you see your loved ones making wrong choices. I don't wanna tell anyone what to do, how to act, or who to be friends with, but it's reeeally hard to sit back and watch you do wrong when all that you deserve is right. I wish you every happiness, really... I just wished you wanted them more for yourself, haha.

With music, I'm... dying, haha. Ah. It's really hard, and it should be, I know that, but wowww. M asked me how long I'd lived in Hollywood now, and I said a year and a half... He then goes, "I think you're in your year and a half phase!" Tough. So, so tough, and I know I'll get through, it's just hard to see the path when obstacles are so constant. But at the end of every day with music, I'm living more. Ooh, so cheesy! I love it. I really cannot see myself doing anything else and until the day comes that I don't believe in it, I'm going to make sure YOU see me doing it as welllll...... I'm really distracted, PS, watching ESPN. Sorry :l

10 Things Too Tough to Tell

I wish you'd made any mistake OTHER than that one.

I don't want to take you for granted, and I'm scared to turn into you.

I don't think she is good for you, in any kind of relationship.

I wish you'd push yourself more; you deserve to live better.

Your family would be better off without you.

I refuse to be a convenience.

I missed you SO much and actually thought I might love you at one point.

I believe in your writing.

His death was my fault.

I will find you.

Those are not all the same person or persons or stories or situations, just one common denominator - me. I'm a chickennnn when it comes to certain things and I think I have decided it's because I don't wanna hurt the people I care about, and I sometimes take the abuse from holding in my feelings in the effort to protect theirs. No good. 

Anyway, I wanna be smiling. Q is wheezing due to his asthma and it hurts my heart, haha. My neck is killing me and my fingertips are sore but honestly typing this little thing DID help. That's all I wanted :)

mariel.

Oh, You.

You are always there... I'm so lucky to have something that I cannot see, because my faith in you makes my faith stronger in myself. It is easy to commit the sins that would seem to make us feel better. It is harder to fight the temptation of giving up. I hurt when I cannot feel you with me.. I question whether your absence is because I am unworthy, or if it is to make me understand my worth alone. 

I'm surrounded by sinners. By liars, delinquents, offenders, trespassers, adulterers, and I'm surrounded by thieves.  I pity them. I pity those who dangle temptation in front of themselves, commit their sins, and expect that closing their eyes to pray will be enough to erase the guilt inside. How can those who blatantly disrespect you say that they are unaware of the blasphemy taking place? How can people get better and be better when they allow the domination of bad to take place? But how can I judge them?

I have been in those shoes before. I have stood upon every sin, every temptation and every ignorance with audacity, and with valor! I have weighed my options and chosen that which left me with a heavy heart, but today I choose the latter, the lighter; the Light.

I am not a judge and dare I wear that mask I should only find myself so guilty! Thank you for giving me the power of forgiveness. Thank you for making it a choice. Thank you for bringing angels into my life to show me the possibilities and the heights that my happiness can reach, but thank you more so for bringing me demons. You could have raised me to be a blind follower, yet instead you've opened my eyes wider than I comprehend. I know not every evil that charms its way into my journey, but I have every knowing to defeat them. You are endless strength and immeasurable patience. I will not let your vacancy leave me empty anymore. I will use my fears to fuel the fire in my heart, so that when your warmth comes I can recognize it. I will be calm, and speak kindly so that when you speak I will know your voice. I will carry you with me when I need to be carried. Thank you, Spirit.

i absolutely love you,

love, me.

See...

here's the thing. Yea, I have a strong sense of who I am and I'm confident and I don't need other people to validate me... but DAMN. It almost seems that you are tryyying to tear me down! Cooooool bud.

mariel.

I Want Things

Back to the way they were.

love you,
love, me

mariel.

Lost A Little

solo in the water and im barely holding on
barely floating, losing hope
all the boats are gone

treading through the trenches dreading every step
head down, up to my chin
being swallowed by the depth

the seconds wrap the night in tighter
lost a little, closing lids
i find that it is brighter

im a fighter, like daddy said
let me make peace with nature's maker
life is handing out beatings now
im bruised and bleeding; the only taker
i'm lost, i'm losing my fuel to withstand
i'm taking the blows, shaking them off
i'm weary, i'm broken, i come apart in his eyes
but i'm standing, i'm fearless, i'm tough
alone on the ropes, no medal on my neck
not quite a winner, i haven't lost yet
if metal and wood cover me, laying me low
i'll know above all, that at the very least, i lived.


mariel.

I Know What You Are, Baby

Yeeeeeeeoooooo :)

Things are funny right now, I am loving it. I am spending a lot of time with random people and a lot more time with myself.. both are helping my brain in ways I probably don't understand. I'm sitting on the street stealing internet right now and there is a Hollywood tour bus driving past me, the riders are yelling at me, "Go 'head, girl. Steal that net!" and "Yo, I've never seen that, somebody just sitting right on the street right on a laptop right there," haha.

Better news, I have a show on March 28th and I'm SOOOOOO happy. It's not even really my show, so it's a little pathetic that I'm this excited, but in the same token I have never performed anywhere legit like this so I am giving myself the right of passage to pee my pants over the situation :)

I am about to do a lot of travelling and that makes my tummy go weird. Partly because I don't have a passport that is valid, and that makes me think of the fact that I don't have a birth certificate.. But mostly because I cannot WAIT! I want to move. I need things to GO. Proceed, progress.

Right now though, I have no debit card and the banks are closed, so I cannot buy the keyboard I have been waiting to get, so I'm gonna go inside and write some stuff, watch Stepbrothers, and enjoy the day with J. I love this.

love you,
love, me

mariel.

Oh, The Tangled Webs We Weave

Maaaaaaan! Actually.... MEN. Haha, I hate that it isn't difficult for me to see the good in people. I hate that every time a new person shines, no matter how many have done so before, I get excited and appreciate it as if it's all new! I also love these little things. I love my family. I LOVVVVE my friends. Let's play. Top of the dome..

RS
DF
JJ
JT
JU
TG
KP
CF
MG
JG
AS
LM
MH
BS
MS
MW
CL
MB
BJ
TC
AE
CL
RG
CH
DP
JY
AF
PF
DD
LD
AC

I love you.

love, me.