Slow

There's an angel with a crowbar hanging from my heart. She keeps prying while I'm praying for growth and for hope.
And when I'm cold and I'm broken and I'm unlovable, she hugs my veins in pursuit of persuading them open.

Though I don't trust her, it's not just her, 'cause I have yet to confide in my own insides,
yet,
if entry were based on the vigor of strength in character,
I could trigger my logic and she'd have my bet.

She's glowing,
hair flowing red,
white robe, gold rope, no wings.
She's undone and unfeathered them and tethered them in bows around my naivety,
where she stands and she sings.

Her songs are my memories, her steps are my bruises and the marks from the scars that my journey have shown.
I'm breaking fast, she's anticipating my moves and accordingly, she dances, Slow.

There's an angel with a crowbar hanging from my heart and she'd be bored without me.

--

love you,
love, me.

That One

Everybody's looking for The One...
what if there are more than one?
what if there are none?

what if there's someone who thinks i'm good enough
someone who puts Ask before Touch
someone who doesn't hurry love

one who knows me better than they should
one who'd give me his wishes if he could
who will slow dance because he knows i'm not that good

i want him.

someone who never buys, but makes me gifts
never tries, but makes me giggle
who never lies, and lies with space for me to wiggle
who always has time for a kiss

one who loves to hear me, in even just a whisper
who is far too mature to nag and pry and bicker
someone who, even when im wrong, is the bigger
someone playful and strong and true

i want him.

someone who wants me bad
who sings me songs
who likes my dad
more than getting along
who likes adventure
who hates my makeup
who leans on me
who waits til i wake up
who i adore
who i just don't get
doesn't compare me to her
doesn't forget
what he wants, he takes
he learns from mistakes
walks the roads he's paved
and never stands in my way
he understands my dreams
he cooks for me
he's interesting
stubborn in his creativity
he's bold
he doesn't take bull****
he's probably not sappy enough
to read this
he's someone who knows who he is
but is still looking, just in case
someone who grows and accepts it well
someone looking for his someone else
i want that one
i want him.

---

love you,
love, me.

Sleepytown

theres a place beside my nighttime
where no locales defined

fiction feels, distance is blind
time is ours and you are mine

im your raven-haired lustable
and we've the sheets for comfortable

weave you with me, just unfold
behold us; tangible, touchable.

undercover under covers, we understand
that taste in our time spent shan't be bland

spend it bending and blending mending hands
give power to choice, leave none to chance

dance with me and romance my dreams
stop the sun from bleeding, melt with me

tell tales of lovers spells to sing
in Sleepytown, where i'd pay, bet, buy, steal and sell to be.

i'm okay.

I've been thinkin'
I've been blinking winter in
and out my life
But they keep sayin' it's July...
Why haven't I melted?

It's okay that I'm numb
A little love-struck
A little dumb
That puppy didn't wanna bite
I just know that I felt it

Give me thorns with those roses
High chins with those noses
And wins with the losses
From the most braggadocious
Typos with the text
And wake for the rest
And wait for the best
With the worst worth while
Because
I don't want any
If I can't have it all

Lust
Pain
Illness
Rain
Cold
Grime
Lonesome
Time
Filth
Breaks
Cuts
Hate
Bruises
Black
Contusions
Facts

I'm okay with maybe
not being okay for awhile
If in the meantime
Waiting
Is this
:)

--

Love you,
Love, me.

marijessanne
sarangay.

Circus Circa '95

Circus Circa '95

I remember when all I knew was the silver lining to life. When laying in the grass, as my new best friend's wife, nibbling at the roots and turning potato bugs into little un-break-up-able balls were the most important matters at hand. I remember when I didn't understand... When every question that I asked (no matter how ridiculous) had a beautifully sugar-coated (even more ridiculous) answer to it. I used to be daring. No fear! I was invincible and I conquered every mountain, scaring away the squeamish with my brave embrace on adventure. The principal would always walk tall, and I'd wiggle my chin as high as it'd reach, tipping on the very tippy tip of toes, just to get my nose in the air, smelling the teacher's recipe for dirt cup on my lips. And I'd smile without my front toof. I had ALL the gold stars that one could possibly get. And I remember getting the yellow slips for perfect attendance, then "walking" (running) to the office to trade it in for a dinosaur eraser. (I always chose red. Called him Rex. Lost him every week until I'd get him again the next.) I remember cops and robbers and cooties and chasers. Red rover, double dutch, jacks, and shark.. I remember never wanting to be the last one picked for doctor dodgeball and always wondering what was over that fence behind the big kids' tree. I remember having the time to talk about time. Wondering what it'd be like after this; after we weren't allowed on the yellow monkey bars and were given lockers for all the heavy, enpsychopedia-looking books that we were supposed to let a boy carry anyway. And what it'd be like when I got reeeally old, when I could finally drive.. where would I go? I remember you told me you HAD to know, so you could be there, too. So, you and me, we promised. We said, "Honest," and squoze our pinkies tight... we said we'd meet here.. where, if we lay 16 Gozilla steps right past the lunch guard, and looked up, we'd see our circus. We promised that on the day we saw the elephant in the sky, we'd meet, and it'd be the same and we'd catch up and if the other didn't have their beaded gecko and their half heart bff necklace and the matching nano pet (and it didn't count if they died), that they were a stinky, moldy, kept-in-a-dirty-sock rotten egg. And we'd divorce, and grow older, and wrinklier, and sadder, apart. So, every now and then, I look up.. and I've seen ducks, and sheep and lions. But no elephant; all silver lining, which I now know is just holding the rain. Just know that I'm waiting, because I'd love to be there, with you, again... Though it's kinda nice to know I haven't growed up yet.

--

love you,

love, me.

But

Love Happiness & Faith

should not come with conditions...

Would I be asking too much if I expected my heart to

love alone

rejoice alone

and have faith in nothing but its own pulse?

I'm only weak, only human

always fragile, always hungry

And the choices that I seem to be left with are beyond primitive.

I'm offered up all of the fancy things

and all of the extras and a feast of advancements

But to feel these,

to touch, to capture and to acquire these riches

I'm always forced to sacrifice part of the bare, unshakeable and raw brilliance.

ad7fiq8q29p3847re9fy

And then I tear up again

And write another line, for only me to read

And then I spread it...

I send it out because I can't stand to keep it in

And if only for a second, it helps

because I've done it for no other reason that to better myself

And I'm reminded that I still care

and I still love

and I have faith

that I'll be happy outside of the lies we tell ourselves..

Because THAT is raw, real and true...

With no "but," no "just as long as,"

Only what's interpreted between me & you..

Only feeling.

--

love you,

love, me.

iWant.

show me brains like A***

eyes like B****

a drive like C****

and mystery like D****

love fun, like E****

have a spirit like F***

take care of me like G***

surprise me like H****

be blunt like I**

fit me like J****

speak slow & smooth like K***

succeed like L******

have as much swag as M***

as much style as N***

fix your lips like O*******

make me laugh like P*****

feel me like Q**

get dirty like R***

move like S****

show me hands like T***

make me wanna be better for/than/like U

smile like V****

be my muse like W******

be ready like X****

be honest like Y****

and be true like Z***

man.

if that doesn't spell it out for you...

; )

love you,

love, me.

Just Sometimes

Sometimes I like to spend the entire day alone :)
I like to sleep in, crawl out of bed and slip into some warm fuzzies,
make myself a meal at 1pm, calling it breakfast 'cause I can.
It's usually Raisin Bran...
'cause that reminds me of summers at home
Sometimes.

After some 2AM Club-ing on my iPod I might take it for a walk.
I know the parks get lonely nowadays,
so I make my way,
sunglasses, hood, and headphones on
'cause all I want is to listen
Sometimes.

Now, Paper Route.
I like to watch the tears of autumn
dancing down, one by one
and I try, really hard, to focus on the greens
But the reds always catch my eye...

Sometimes we like to do a dinner date, myself & I
Sushi is usually best.
I smile at the chef and he wonders at my solitude
but being too polite to ask, he just smiles back
Sometimes.

Sometimes I come home late and nobody complains
nobody minds that I took the long way
and nobody laughs at how badly I park sometimes.
And sometimes, I slip back into bed
wrapping a winter mitten around Ben's pint of coffee ice cream
and at 11pm I daydream, 'cause I can.
I smile at how happy my day was, alone
and I swear to do it more often.
I want to get online and tell you about it
But for about an hour, I fight it
and then the warm fuzzies start to come
and my eyes get all misty
and I finally quit kidding myself
and I just plain miss you
Sometimes.

I Shouldn't.

im in laughlin, nv right now sitting poolside at a rannndom hotel and everyone else is out here smoking, drinking and talking about the competition, haha. im burned out right now, but i can't complain.. there is always drama but there are definitely good people here and now that i've finally found internet i feel like writing. there are a few things going on in my life and in some of the people close to me & the things that i write probably/hopefully sum up a lot of situations, but this particular one is for a friend...

---

Let me just tell you... quick, before they catch me;
I feel like you're every kind of wonderful.

I've been trying to hold this in for what seems like forever, and now I can finally free my words, but what can I say before you stop listening? What can I say that'll still be heard? Can I say that you're my thrill? Cuz you're actually MORE than what I could ask for... Even your faults are endearing, your lies are worth hearing and though there are times that you're right here with me, I miss you, still.

Everyone tries to tame you but I want you just the way you are! I love your recklessness, your risk and your fury. I love that you scare and secure me at the same time and I love that when I'm with you I never have to worry, I'm always fine. I'm always smiling. You're alwayyys you.

Your consistency is divine and your devilish grin gets me through and through but your eyes say different than your swag... I love it when you're bad :) But when you're good, you're GOOD and it's the best I'll never have, cuz they won't let it be. They won't let you have me in any way and there's so many things they won't let me do, so is there anything that I can really say to you? I've been trying to hold this in to keep us together, and now that I'm finally free, my words are threatening me with our forever because we're not allowed to risk our ships.... not our "friend" for our "relation," and my time with you right now's a-wastin'! Ha... our consciences are back now, I guess I'd better back down and save these things for the day you decide to say what I never could... Cuz I think you feel it too.

---

love you,
love, me.


ps...... im really proud of the "risk our ships" line. yesssss, me! i miss that game :(

2 Day

Today was a struggle. Nothing worked out the way it was supposed to! Nadaaaa. But you pick up and move when needed, i guess. I have tomorrow and then thursday i head out.. i wrote a poem on 9/6/09 i'll put up. getting lazier as i type. haha.. anyway, i spent time @ the beach that day and this pretty much sums up how i feel about


"Hermosa"

laying in patience, waiting for the sand to swallow me up... but this old beach never did move fast enough. watching, impatient, wanting the sun to give in and burn out, but it boasts incessantly, hot and proud.

soft, the sand is my constant
strong, the sun is my ride

colder now, the winds start to threaten my eden. but i'm so stubborn. i'm not leavin'. my hope's gone and im determined to detect it. by sun, sky, waves and grains i stand: lost, but always protected.

how many people come to you, Ocean? how many have lived in your depths...?
how much of you is made of my tears, and how much is made up from the rest?

home again, away from the shells, apart from the comfort of a stand still breeze. i smell roses at my door, i feel nothing of my pride, i wish you could hear my screams. im dancing. im dazed and im dozing off, i miss you but i'll never say it. with sand as a memory and the moon as my guard, Hermosa, im infatuated. Goodnight.


we've created a healthy bond, the beach & i. we've upgraded to day time visits... i'll write a better one.. i think i actually have one but i think ive already posted it "/

anyway, stuff to do tomorrow = i should sleep. or lay here i guess until the zzz's take over.

love you,
love, me.

mariel.

Lately,

Lately,

things have been strange. i am making a lot of changes and doing a few things that are sort of.. outside my norm? i think im enjoying it though. i get comfortable inside of life's constants but im always open to the winds of growth. knowledge is often gained by experience and to truly live life, i have to take chances and balance on crooked roads that may not seem steady, but will definitely strengthen my character, intrigue my mind, and challenge my drive. sometimes i think my heart has to break to become strong enough to fight the pains... sometimes i wish it never had to ache. but it IS the rain that makes us grow. and although i have felt like ive been drowning, my heart pushes on and i stay afloat,

Lately,

ive been flirting with inspiration. the smallest ideas and concepts will hit me and i guess the next step is to figure out what to do after their births because, they do hit, but never hard enough to produce any... art. and lately, ive been just plain flirting! or trying, nonetheless, haha. what i get in return, though, is just never honest enough to penetrate any heART. I already know that I'm a "lover," but that doesn't mean I fall quickly, easily, or under the pretenses of lust. instead of looking for love, ive been nurturing whats in me.. lots of alone time & lots of writing.. and im falling for all the right things, resisting all the wrong ones, and discovering things i never knew i wanted...

Lately,

i want chaos. i want disarray and freedom. i want the lines ive lived within to be blurry and the paths that i take to be longer than my vision can anticipate. iwantmistkaes. i wanna learn the hard way sometimes! i want to l e t l o o o o o o o o s e. i want to go to the beach alone to catch the sunset, grab sushi @ a table for one and go dancing with strangers ignoring their responsibilities for the weekend. i want to be understood by someone instead of always being that weird eclectic chick, haha. but as always, ive been myself and things have been strange...

Lately,


love you,
love, me.

Never Fails

a lot of things in life do not go the way i think they will. other things, however, never fail. for instance, i kinda only sign into my blog when im not in a good mood. so it never fails that i always want to write a really broody entry about things that i wont be specific about, which would then make it really hard for anyone to empathize or even understand what the heck im talking about... but miss ali evenson never fails to catch my attention with a picture in her posts, and then she never fails to write really funny one liners beneath them and then her entries never fail to be hilarious. ever..

other things that never fail to do something..

coffee ice cream makes me calm
marc griffins voice makes me put on a ridiculous koolaid kinda smile
dancing makes me nervous
girls walking in uncomfortable heels makes me cringe
christian makes me feel like a role model
qis walker makes my muscles feel their best & their worst
sneakers make me feel like a high schooler
silk pillowcases make me feel sexy
clubs make me feel out of place
heels make me feel in control
singing makes me love me
the stage makes me love it
love makes me happy

love you,
love, me

mariel.

Home Cookin'

Man. You know when you go to your mom's and there's hella food in the fridge and the pantry and the storage closet downstairs, and you're eating frozen grapes that you don't even want, but since they're there you're gonna eat them, and even though she cooked one of your favorite dishes on the rear range, you go ahead and make some jambalaya on the front one? That is the best.



I just got off the fone with B and it was a really good conversation! I enjoy him. I'm in UT, obviously, and it feels pretty good to be here. I just got done rehearsing at my dad's and me and J are going to KILL it in this little singing competition. OH Oh oh I'm so excited.

2am Club is all over the RCA Records site and I cannot tell you crazy that is!! I can't wait for the world to be as on them as I am. Q is really good at updating me with their situations too for some reason, haha. It's pretty cool, actually. He has been writing in a style that I'm beginning to think is his little signature and I'm really proud, kind of. I don't know if that's demeaning to him, which is why it's kind of a hard thing to say out loud, but I really am. It's cool to see him working and getting happy about something, you know?

C booked a gig! He is gonna be visiting LA and taping and filming and working and I'm so happy for him!! I am pretty sure we're gonna get some time in, so that's already making me happy. Hopefully he's not threateningly tall.

J is now single and he made sure to tell me at exactly 5:43am. Hmmmm.... we shall see where this takes us.

I'm gonna go try to not eat this cinnamon roll and probably write for a bit. I just started writing a really cool motown-like, old school girl group, solange type of song. :) Gnite.

love you,
love, me

mariel.

Real Eyes

It takes a certain kind of soul to realize the joy in pain. Cynical, maybe, or brutally broody, but really quite beautiful in a dark and brilliant way. There is so much growth to be made in a person while immediately recooperating from the realities of life, and I am so scared that I'll be the person to overlook said growth as I concentrate on numbing my feelings. I like to believe that I am beautiful inside, and I wonder if I'll ever see it in my reflection, in a photo, or on a screen. I wonder if the walls I put up will ever fall to the defenses I carry against myself, or if the force of someone else will tear them down. I think, somewhere in my mind, I like to imagine that if I don't allow myself to get caught up in the romance of an emotion, I will not get hurt. I am quick to forget that if I refuse the pain of a breakdown, I am also refusing the comfort of pleasure.. Can I refuse the dark and gain full appreciation of light? Can I refuse hate and still understand the truth in love? Am I willing to find out? And is it ever possible to actually do so knowingly...?

The fairytale of "happily ever after" is such a hopeful and seemingly effortless one! Is it then that I try to strive for what I can piece together as a logical dream come true, or do I take a back seat, in faith, and let the universe weave its own patchwork? Some days, I know that I deserve to smile... Other days, I pray that smiles will seep into my veins and become second nature. I hope for joy, and for pain to balance it out and stop me from taking it for granted. Jealousy is an ugly emotion, therefore I am disappointed in myself whenever a person, an action, or lack of either can get to my envious insecurities. I only want to be pleased with myself. I understand that I cannot shape my being around what others expect me to be because I will ALWAYS let someone down. At the end of the day, however, I have to live with me. I have to deal with me, pray with me, lay with me and wake up with ME. I cannot be for anyone but myself. I cannot invite anyone into my home until I have built one to invite them to, thus I cannot lend myself to anyone without knowing that I have reign, I have rule and I am unfaultering in my stance against weakness.

B is a mystery.
Q is missed.
A is aMAZING.

I'm sleepy now. Haha, write soon...


love you,
love, me

mariel.

I kind of want you.

There is definitely something about you that I can't really put my finger on.. So, could you be so kind as to give me a handful? I know we haven't really known eachother long but that thing I was talking about seems real special. There's a truth in your swag and a drawl in your words and I can't keep my eyes off of yours.. And even your poorest of jokes are adored by my humor and you do more when you do less and it almost hurts when your chest isn't facing me 'cause it's your attention that I want. Sorry to drill you, I just really feel you and I want you to maybe catch a bit of me.... Though I've yet to fall, I'm down for it all and call me a sucker but I LOVE love. You see? I'm honest. And truth be told, I don't want to be too bold so don't hold it against me because in my defense it's not just me who can see that you're the best of someones to be fond of, but... yea. I kind of want you.

love you,
love me.

Redneck Woman

Competed today, it was FUN! Sang a bunch of songs, blog title included... Then went out to eat the best waffle ever, as served by the cutest waiting staff in Utah. Sold clothes this morning and donated some others as well.. tomorrow we golf! After golf we sushi, after sushi we go back to chop it up with B and then its off the J & J's farewell party... then maybe to J's birthday at the hookah lounge, but that last one is doubtful :l

I'm really tired but this laptop I'm on has amazing keys and I fall deeper into infatuation the more I type... I will stop though cuz J is about to sleep... and wow that was a lot of Js.

I need to figure out what's wrong with M's arm asap.... and schedule the photoshoot with miss A, work up the nerves to call (mister) A, as he's finally home from his mission, kick it with mom at some point and then get K and drive to Planet Hollywood in Vegas. Ahh, I am not missing you tonight, LA.

love you,
love, me

mariessicanne ;)

Observe. Adapt. Conquer.

Watching Home Makeover Edition. I've been not as happy as I've wanted to be lately. And as much as I would love to be the person with a super positive, happy, enlightening blog, it's easier to 'talk' here than to anyone I can actually call up. Ssssso, here, I spill.

It's a weird situation when you see your loved ones making wrong choices. I don't wanna tell anyone what to do, how to act, or who to be friends with, but it's reeeally hard to sit back and watch you do wrong when all that you deserve is right. I wish you every happiness, really... I just wished you wanted them more for yourself, haha.

With music, I'm... dying, haha. Ah. It's really hard, and it should be, I know that, but wowww. M asked me how long I'd lived in Hollywood now, and I said a year and a half... He then goes, "I think you're in your year and a half phase!" Tough. So, so tough, and I know I'll get through, it's just hard to see the path when obstacles are so constant. But at the end of every day with music, I'm living more. Ooh, so cheesy! I love it. I really cannot see myself doing anything else and until the day comes that I don't believe in it, I'm going to make sure YOU see me doing it as welllll...... I'm really distracted, PS, watching ESPN. Sorry :l

10 Things Too Tough to Tell

I wish you'd made any mistake OTHER than that one.

I don't want to take you for granted, and I'm scared to turn into you.

I don't think she is good for you, in any kind of relationship.

I wish you'd push yourself more; you deserve to live better.

Your family would be better off without you.

I refuse to be a convenience.

I missed you SO much and actually thought I might love you at one point.

I believe in your writing.

His death was my fault.

I will find you.

Those are not all the same person or persons or stories or situations, just one common denominator - me. I'm a chickennnn when it comes to certain things and I think I have decided it's because I don't wanna hurt the people I care about, and I sometimes take the abuse from holding in my feelings in the effort to protect theirs. No good. 

Anyway, I wanna be smiling. Q is wheezing due to his asthma and it hurts my heart, haha. My neck is killing me and my fingertips are sore but honestly typing this little thing DID help. That's all I wanted :)

mariel.

Oh, You.

You are always there... I'm so lucky to have something that I cannot see, because my faith in you makes my faith stronger in myself. It is easy to commit the sins that would seem to make us feel better. It is harder to fight the temptation of giving up. I hurt when I cannot feel you with me.. I question whether your absence is because I am unworthy, or if it is to make me understand my worth alone. 

I'm surrounded by sinners. By liars, delinquents, offenders, trespassers, adulterers, and I'm surrounded by thieves.  I pity them. I pity those who dangle temptation in front of themselves, commit their sins, and expect that closing their eyes to pray will be enough to erase the guilt inside. How can those who blatantly disrespect you say that they are unaware of the blasphemy taking place? How can people get better and be better when they allow the domination of bad to take place? But how can I judge them?

I have been in those shoes before. I have stood upon every sin, every temptation and every ignorance with audacity, and with valor! I have weighed my options and chosen that which left me with a heavy heart, but today I choose the latter, the lighter; the Light.

I am not a judge and dare I wear that mask I should only find myself so guilty! Thank you for giving me the power of forgiveness. Thank you for making it a choice. Thank you for bringing angels into my life to show me the possibilities and the heights that my happiness can reach, but thank you more so for bringing me demons. You could have raised me to be a blind follower, yet instead you've opened my eyes wider than I comprehend. I know not every evil that charms its way into my journey, but I have every knowing to defeat them. You are endless strength and immeasurable patience. I will not let your vacancy leave me empty anymore. I will use my fears to fuel the fire in my heart, so that when your warmth comes I can recognize it. I will be calm, and speak kindly so that when you speak I will know your voice. I will carry you with me when I need to be carried. Thank you, Spirit.

i absolutely love you,

love, me.

See...

here's the thing. Yea, I have a strong sense of who I am and I'm confident and I don't need other people to validate me... but DAMN. It almost seems that you are tryyying to tear me down! Cooooool bud.

mariel.

I Want Things

Back to the way they were.

love you,
love, me

mariel.