Real Eyes

It takes a certain kind of soul to realize the joy in pain. Cynical, maybe, or brutally broody, but really quite beautiful in a dark and brilliant way. There is so much growth to be made in a person while immediately recooperating from the realities of life, and I am so scared that I'll be the person to overlook said growth as I concentrate on numbing my feelings. I like to believe that I am beautiful inside, and I wonder if I'll ever see it in my reflection, in a photo, or on a screen. I wonder if the walls I put up will ever fall to the defenses I carry against myself, or if the force of someone else will tear them down. I think, somewhere in my mind, I like to imagine that if I don't allow myself to get caught up in the romance of an emotion, I will not get hurt. I am quick to forget that if I refuse the pain of a breakdown, I am also refusing the comfort of pleasure.. Can I refuse the dark and gain full appreciation of light? Can I refuse hate and still understand the truth in love? Am I willing to find out? And is it ever possible to actually do so knowingly...?

The fairytale of "happily ever after" is such a hopeful and seemingly effortless one! Is it then that I try to strive for what I can piece together as a logical dream come true, or do I take a back seat, in faith, and let the universe weave its own patchwork? Some days, I know that I deserve to smile... Other days, I pray that smiles will seep into my veins and become second nature. I hope for joy, and for pain to balance it out and stop me from taking it for granted. Jealousy is an ugly emotion, therefore I am disappointed in myself whenever a person, an action, or lack of either can get to my envious insecurities. I only want to be pleased with myself. I understand that I cannot shape my being around what others expect me to be because I will ALWAYS let someone down. At the end of the day, however, I have to live with me. I have to deal with me, pray with me, lay with me and wake up with ME. I cannot be for anyone but myself. I cannot invite anyone into my home until I have built one to invite them to, thus I cannot lend myself to anyone without knowing that I have reign, I have rule and I am unfaultering in my stance against weakness.

B is a mystery.
Q is missed.
A is aMAZING.

I'm sleepy now. Haha, write soon...


love you,
love, me

mariel.

I kind of want you.

There is definitely something about you that I can't really put my finger on.. So, could you be so kind as to give me a handful? I know we haven't really known eachother long but that thing I was talking about seems real special. There's a truth in your swag and a drawl in your words and I can't keep my eyes off of yours.. And even your poorest of jokes are adored by my humor and you do more when you do less and it almost hurts when your chest isn't facing me 'cause it's your attention that I want. Sorry to drill you, I just really feel you and I want you to maybe catch a bit of me.... Though I've yet to fall, I'm down for it all and call me a sucker but I LOVE love. You see? I'm honest. And truth be told, I don't want to be too bold so don't hold it against me because in my defense it's not just me who can see that you're the best of someones to be fond of, but... yea. I kind of want you.

love you,
love me.

Redneck Woman

Competed today, it was FUN! Sang a bunch of songs, blog title included... Then went out to eat the best waffle ever, as served by the cutest waiting staff in Utah. Sold clothes this morning and donated some others as well.. tomorrow we golf! After golf we sushi, after sushi we go back to chop it up with B and then its off the J & J's farewell party... then maybe to J's birthday at the hookah lounge, but that last one is doubtful :l

I'm really tired but this laptop I'm on has amazing keys and I fall deeper into infatuation the more I type... I will stop though cuz J is about to sleep... and wow that was a lot of Js.

I need to figure out what's wrong with M's arm asap.... and schedule the photoshoot with miss A, work up the nerves to call (mister) A, as he's finally home from his mission, kick it with mom at some point and then get K and drive to Planet Hollywood in Vegas. Ahh, I am not missing you tonight, LA.

love you,
love, me

mariessicanne ;)

Observe. Adapt. Conquer.

Watching Home Makeover Edition. I've been not as happy as I've wanted to be lately. And as much as I would love to be the person with a super positive, happy, enlightening blog, it's easier to 'talk' here than to anyone I can actually call up. Ssssso, here, I spill.

It's a weird situation when you see your loved ones making wrong choices. I don't wanna tell anyone what to do, how to act, or who to be friends with, but it's reeeally hard to sit back and watch you do wrong when all that you deserve is right. I wish you every happiness, really... I just wished you wanted them more for yourself, haha.

With music, I'm... dying, haha. Ah. It's really hard, and it should be, I know that, but wowww. M asked me how long I'd lived in Hollywood now, and I said a year and a half... He then goes, "I think you're in your year and a half phase!" Tough. So, so tough, and I know I'll get through, it's just hard to see the path when obstacles are so constant. But at the end of every day with music, I'm living more. Ooh, so cheesy! I love it. I really cannot see myself doing anything else and until the day comes that I don't believe in it, I'm going to make sure YOU see me doing it as welllll...... I'm really distracted, PS, watching ESPN. Sorry :l

10 Things Too Tough to Tell

I wish you'd made any mistake OTHER than that one.

I don't want to take you for granted, and I'm scared to turn into you.

I don't think she is good for you, in any kind of relationship.

I wish you'd push yourself more; you deserve to live better.

Your family would be better off without you.

I refuse to be a convenience.

I missed you SO much and actually thought I might love you at one point.

I believe in your writing.

His death was my fault.

I will find you.

Those are not all the same person or persons or stories or situations, just one common denominator - me. I'm a chickennnn when it comes to certain things and I think I have decided it's because I don't wanna hurt the people I care about, and I sometimes take the abuse from holding in my feelings in the effort to protect theirs. No good. 

Anyway, I wanna be smiling. Q is wheezing due to his asthma and it hurts my heart, haha. My neck is killing me and my fingertips are sore but honestly typing this little thing DID help. That's all I wanted :)

mariel.

Oh, You.

You are always there... I'm so lucky to have something that I cannot see, because my faith in you makes my faith stronger in myself. It is easy to commit the sins that would seem to make us feel better. It is harder to fight the temptation of giving up. I hurt when I cannot feel you with me.. I question whether your absence is because I am unworthy, or if it is to make me understand my worth alone. 

I'm surrounded by sinners. By liars, delinquents, offenders, trespassers, adulterers, and I'm surrounded by thieves.  I pity them. I pity those who dangle temptation in front of themselves, commit their sins, and expect that closing their eyes to pray will be enough to erase the guilt inside. How can those who blatantly disrespect you say that they are unaware of the blasphemy taking place? How can people get better and be better when they allow the domination of bad to take place? But how can I judge them?

I have been in those shoes before. I have stood upon every sin, every temptation and every ignorance with audacity, and with valor! I have weighed my options and chosen that which left me with a heavy heart, but today I choose the latter, the lighter; the Light.

I am not a judge and dare I wear that mask I should only find myself so guilty! Thank you for giving me the power of forgiveness. Thank you for making it a choice. Thank you for bringing angels into my life to show me the possibilities and the heights that my happiness can reach, but thank you more so for bringing me demons. You could have raised me to be a blind follower, yet instead you've opened my eyes wider than I comprehend. I know not every evil that charms its way into my journey, but I have every knowing to defeat them. You are endless strength and immeasurable patience. I will not let your vacancy leave me empty anymore. I will use my fears to fuel the fire in my heart, so that when your warmth comes I can recognize it. I will be calm, and speak kindly so that when you speak I will know your voice. I will carry you with me when I need to be carried. Thank you, Spirit.

i absolutely love you,

love, me.

See...

here's the thing. Yea, I have a strong sense of who I am and I'm confident and I don't need other people to validate me... but DAMN. It almost seems that you are tryyying to tear me down! Cooooool bud.

mariel.

I Want Things

Back to the way they were.

love you,
love, me

mariel.