2 Day

Today was a struggle. Nothing worked out the way it was supposed to! Nadaaaa. But you pick up and move when needed, i guess. I have tomorrow and then thursday i head out.. i wrote a poem on 9/6/09 i'll put up. getting lazier as i type. haha.. anyway, i spent time @ the beach that day and this pretty much sums up how i feel about


"Hermosa"

laying in patience, waiting for the sand to swallow me up... but this old beach never did move fast enough. watching, impatient, wanting the sun to give in and burn out, but it boasts incessantly, hot and proud.

soft, the sand is my constant
strong, the sun is my ride

colder now, the winds start to threaten my eden. but i'm so stubborn. i'm not leavin'. my hope's gone and im determined to detect it. by sun, sky, waves and grains i stand: lost, but always protected.

how many people come to you, Ocean? how many have lived in your depths...?
how much of you is made of my tears, and how much is made up from the rest?

home again, away from the shells, apart from the comfort of a stand still breeze. i smell roses at my door, i feel nothing of my pride, i wish you could hear my screams. im dancing. im dazed and im dozing off, i miss you but i'll never say it. with sand as a memory and the moon as my guard, Hermosa, im infatuated. Goodnight.


we've created a healthy bond, the beach & i. we've upgraded to day time visits... i'll write a better one.. i think i actually have one but i think ive already posted it "/

anyway, stuff to do tomorrow = i should sleep. or lay here i guess until the zzz's take over.

love you,
love, me.

mariel.

Lately,

Lately,

things have been strange. i am making a lot of changes and doing a few things that are sort of.. outside my norm? i think im enjoying it though. i get comfortable inside of life's constants but im always open to the winds of growth. knowledge is often gained by experience and to truly live life, i have to take chances and balance on crooked roads that may not seem steady, but will definitely strengthen my character, intrigue my mind, and challenge my drive. sometimes i think my heart has to break to become strong enough to fight the pains... sometimes i wish it never had to ache. but it IS the rain that makes us grow. and although i have felt like ive been drowning, my heart pushes on and i stay afloat,

Lately,

ive been flirting with inspiration. the smallest ideas and concepts will hit me and i guess the next step is to figure out what to do after their births because, they do hit, but never hard enough to produce any... art. and lately, ive been just plain flirting! or trying, nonetheless, haha. what i get in return, though, is just never honest enough to penetrate any heART. I already know that I'm a "lover," but that doesn't mean I fall quickly, easily, or under the pretenses of lust. instead of looking for love, ive been nurturing whats in me.. lots of alone time & lots of writing.. and im falling for all the right things, resisting all the wrong ones, and discovering things i never knew i wanted...

Lately,

i want chaos. i want disarray and freedom. i want the lines ive lived within to be blurry and the paths that i take to be longer than my vision can anticipate. iwantmistkaes. i wanna learn the hard way sometimes! i want to l e t l o o o o o o o o s e. i want to go to the beach alone to catch the sunset, grab sushi @ a table for one and go dancing with strangers ignoring their responsibilities for the weekend. i want to be understood by someone instead of always being that weird eclectic chick, haha. but as always, ive been myself and things have been strange...

Lately,


love you,
love, me.

Never Fails

a lot of things in life do not go the way i think they will. other things, however, never fail. for instance, i kinda only sign into my blog when im not in a good mood. so it never fails that i always want to write a really broody entry about things that i wont be specific about, which would then make it really hard for anyone to empathize or even understand what the heck im talking about... but miss ali evenson never fails to catch my attention with a picture in her posts, and then she never fails to write really funny one liners beneath them and then her entries never fail to be hilarious. ever..

other things that never fail to do something..

coffee ice cream makes me calm
marc griffins voice makes me put on a ridiculous koolaid kinda smile
dancing makes me nervous
girls walking in uncomfortable heels makes me cringe
christian makes me feel like a role model
qis walker makes my muscles feel their best & their worst
sneakers make me feel like a high schooler
silk pillowcases make me feel sexy
clubs make me feel out of place
heels make me feel in control
singing makes me love me
the stage makes me love it
love makes me happy

love you,
love, me

mariel.

Home Cookin'

Man. You know when you go to your mom's and there's hella food in the fridge and the pantry and the storage closet downstairs, and you're eating frozen grapes that you don't even want, but since they're there you're gonna eat them, and even though she cooked one of your favorite dishes on the rear range, you go ahead and make some jambalaya on the front one? That is the best.



I just got off the fone with B and it was a really good conversation! I enjoy him. I'm in UT, obviously, and it feels pretty good to be here. I just got done rehearsing at my dad's and me and J are going to KILL it in this little singing competition. OH Oh oh I'm so excited.

2am Club is all over the RCA Records site and I cannot tell you crazy that is!! I can't wait for the world to be as on them as I am. Q is really good at updating me with their situations too for some reason, haha. It's pretty cool, actually. He has been writing in a style that I'm beginning to think is his little signature and I'm really proud, kind of. I don't know if that's demeaning to him, which is why it's kind of a hard thing to say out loud, but I really am. It's cool to see him working and getting happy about something, you know?

C booked a gig! He is gonna be visiting LA and taping and filming and working and I'm so happy for him!! I am pretty sure we're gonna get some time in, so that's already making me happy. Hopefully he's not threateningly tall.

J is now single and he made sure to tell me at exactly 5:43am. Hmmmm.... we shall see where this takes us.

I'm gonna go try to not eat this cinnamon roll and probably write for a bit. I just started writing a really cool motown-like, old school girl group, solange type of song. :) Gnite.

love you,
love, me

mariel.

Real Eyes

It takes a certain kind of soul to realize the joy in pain. Cynical, maybe, or brutally broody, but really quite beautiful in a dark and brilliant way. There is so much growth to be made in a person while immediately recooperating from the realities of life, and I am so scared that I'll be the person to overlook said growth as I concentrate on numbing my feelings. I like to believe that I am beautiful inside, and I wonder if I'll ever see it in my reflection, in a photo, or on a screen. I wonder if the walls I put up will ever fall to the defenses I carry against myself, or if the force of someone else will tear them down. I think, somewhere in my mind, I like to imagine that if I don't allow myself to get caught up in the romance of an emotion, I will not get hurt. I am quick to forget that if I refuse the pain of a breakdown, I am also refusing the comfort of pleasure.. Can I refuse the dark and gain full appreciation of light? Can I refuse hate and still understand the truth in love? Am I willing to find out? And is it ever possible to actually do so knowingly...?

The fairytale of "happily ever after" is such a hopeful and seemingly effortless one! Is it then that I try to strive for what I can piece together as a logical dream come true, or do I take a back seat, in faith, and let the universe weave its own patchwork? Some days, I know that I deserve to smile... Other days, I pray that smiles will seep into my veins and become second nature. I hope for joy, and for pain to balance it out and stop me from taking it for granted. Jealousy is an ugly emotion, therefore I am disappointed in myself whenever a person, an action, or lack of either can get to my envious insecurities. I only want to be pleased with myself. I understand that I cannot shape my being around what others expect me to be because I will ALWAYS let someone down. At the end of the day, however, I have to live with me. I have to deal with me, pray with me, lay with me and wake up with ME. I cannot be for anyone but myself. I cannot invite anyone into my home until I have built one to invite them to, thus I cannot lend myself to anyone without knowing that I have reign, I have rule and I am unfaultering in my stance against weakness.

B is a mystery.
Q is missed.
A is aMAZING.

I'm sleepy now. Haha, write soon...


love you,
love, me

mariel.

I kind of want you.

There is definitely something about you that I can't really put my finger on.. So, could you be so kind as to give me a handful? I know we haven't really known eachother long but that thing I was talking about seems real special. There's a truth in your swag and a drawl in your words and I can't keep my eyes off of yours.. And even your poorest of jokes are adored by my humor and you do more when you do less and it almost hurts when your chest isn't facing me 'cause it's your attention that I want. Sorry to drill you, I just really feel you and I want you to maybe catch a bit of me.... Though I've yet to fall, I'm down for it all and call me a sucker but I LOVE love. You see? I'm honest. And truth be told, I don't want to be too bold so don't hold it against me because in my defense it's not just me who can see that you're the best of someones to be fond of, but... yea. I kind of want you.

love you,
love me.

Redneck Woman

Competed today, it was FUN! Sang a bunch of songs, blog title included... Then went out to eat the best waffle ever, as served by the cutest waiting staff in Utah. Sold clothes this morning and donated some others as well.. tomorrow we golf! After golf we sushi, after sushi we go back to chop it up with B and then its off the J & J's farewell party... then maybe to J's birthday at the hookah lounge, but that last one is doubtful :l

I'm really tired but this laptop I'm on has amazing keys and I fall deeper into infatuation the more I type... I will stop though cuz J is about to sleep... and wow that was a lot of Js.

I need to figure out what's wrong with M's arm asap.... and schedule the photoshoot with miss A, work up the nerves to call (mister) A, as he's finally home from his mission, kick it with mom at some point and then get K and drive to Planet Hollywood in Vegas. Ahh, I am not missing you tonight, LA.

love you,
love, me

mariessicanne ;)