marielovermadder

Slow

2010-08-01T02:44:00.000-07:00

There's an angel with a crowbar hanging from my heart. She keeps prying while I'm praying for growth and for hope.
And when I'm cold and I'm broken and I'm unlovable, she hugs my veins in pursuit of persuading them open.

Though I don't trust her, it's not just her, 'cause I have yet to confide in my own insides,
yet,
if entry were based on the vigor of strength in character,
I could trigger my logic and she'd have my bet.

She's glowing,
hair flowing red,
white robe, gold rope, no wings.
She's undone and unfeathered them and tethered them in bows around my naivety,
where she stands and she sings.

Her songs are my memories, her steps are my bruises and the marks from the scars that my journey have shown.
I'm breaking fast, she's anticipating my moves and accordingly, she dances, Slow.

There's an angel with a crowbar hanging from my heart and she'd be bored without me.

--

love you,
love, me.

That One

2010-06-01T15:14:00.000-07:00

Everybody's looking for The One...
what if there are more than one?
what if there are none?

what if there's someone who thinks i'm good enough
someone who puts Ask before Touch
someone who doesn't hurry love

one who knows me better than they should
one who'd give me his wishes if he could
who will slow dance because he knows i'm not that good

i want him.

someone who never buys, but makes me gifts
never tries, but makes me giggle
who never lies, and lies with space for me to wiggle
who always has time for a kiss

one who loves to hear me, in even just a whisper
who is far too mature to nag and pry and bicker
someone who, even when im wrong, is the bigger
someone playful and strong and true

i want him.

someone who wants me bad
who sings me songs
who likes my dad
more than getting along
who likes adventure
who hates my makeup
who leans on me
who waits til i wake up
who i adore
who i just don't get
doesn't compare me to her
doesn't forget
what he wants, he takes
he learns from mistakes
walks the roads he's paved
and never stands in my way
he understands my dreams
he cooks for me
he's interesting
stubborn in his creativity
he's bold
he doesn't take bull****
he's probably not sappy enough
to read this
he's someone who knows who he is
but is still looking, just in case
someone who grows and accepts it well
someone looking for his someone else
i want that one
i want him.

---

love you,
love, me.

Sleepytown

2010-04-09T05:31:00.000-07:00

theres a place beside my nighttime
where no locales defined

fiction feels, distance is blind
time is ours and you are mine

im your raven-haired lustable
and we've the sheets for comfortable

weave you with me, just unfold
behold us; tangible, touchable.

undercover under covers, we understand
that taste in our time spent shan't be bland

spend it bending and blending mending hands
give power to choice, leave none to chance

dance with me and romance my dreams
stop the sun from bleeding, melt with me

tell tales of lovers spells to sing
in Sleepytown, where i'd pay, bet, buy, steal and sell to be.

i'm okay.

2010-03-08T00:14:00.000-08:00

I've been thinkin'
I've been blinking winter in
and out my life
But they keep sayin' it's July...
Why haven't I melted?

It's okay that I'm numb
A little love-struck
A little dumb
That puppy didn't wanna bite
I just know that I felt it

Give me thorns with those roses
High chins with those noses
And wins with the losses
From the most braggadocious
Typos with the text
And wake for the rest
And wait for the best
With the worst worth while
Because
I don't want any
If I can't have it all

Lust
Pain
Illness
Rain
Cold
Grime
Lonesome
Time
Filth
Breaks
Cuts
Hate
Bruises
Black
Contusions
Facts

I'm okay with maybe
not being okay for awhile
If in the meantime
Waiting
Is this
:)

--

Love you,
Love, me.

marijessanne
sarangay.

Circus Circa '95

2009-12-31T01:01:00.000-08:00

Circus Circa '95

I remember when all I knew was the silver lining to life. When laying in the grass, as my new best friend's wife, nibbling at the roots and turning potato bugs into little un-break-up-able balls were the most important matters at hand. I remember when I didn't understand... When every question that I asked (no matter how ridiculous) had a beautifully sugar-coated (even more ridiculous) answer to it. I used to be daring. No fear! I was invincible and I conquered every mountain, scaring away the squeamish with my brave embrace on adventure. The principal would always walk tall, and I'd wiggle my chin as high as it'd reach, tipping on the very tippy tip of toes, just to get my nose in the air, smelling the teacher's recipe for dirt cup on my lips. And I'd smile without my front toof. I had ALL the gold stars that one could possibly get. And I remember getting the yellow slips for perfect attendance, then "walking" (running) to the office to trade it in for a dinosaur eraser. (I always chose red. Called him Rex. Lost him every week until I'd get him again the next.) I remember cops and robbers and cooties and chasers. Red rover, double dutch, jacks, and shark.. I remember never wanting to be the last one picked for doctor dodgeball and always wondering what was over that fence behind the big kids' tree. I remember having the time to talk about time. Wondering what it'd be like after this; after we weren't allowed on the yellow monkey bars and were given lockers for all the heavy, enpsychopedia-looking books that we were supposed to let a boy carry anyway. And what it'd be like when I got reeeally old, when I could finally drive.. where would I go? I remember you told me you HAD to know, so you could be there, too. So, you and me, we promised. We said, "Honest," and squoze our pinkies tight... we said we'd meet here.. where, if we lay 16 Gozilla steps right past the lunch guard, and looked up, we'd see our circus. We promised that on the day we saw the elephant in the sky, we'd meet, and it'd be the same and we'd catch up and if the other didn't have their beaded gecko and their half heart bff necklace and the matching nano pet (and it didn't count if they died), that they were a stinky, moldy, kept-in-a-dirty-sock rotten egg. And we'd divorce, and grow older, and wrinklier, and sadder, apart. So, every now and then, I look up.. and I've seen ducks, and sheep and lions. But no elephant; all silver lining, which I now know is just holding the rain. Just know that I'm waiting, because I'd love to be there, with you, again... Though it's kinda nice to know I haven't growed up yet.

love you,

love, me.

But

2009-12-24T02:10:00.000-08:00

Love Happiness & Faith

should not come with conditions...

Would I be asking too much if I expected my heart to

love alone

rejoice alone

and have faith in nothing but its own pulse?

I'm only weak, only human

always fragile, always hungry

And the choices that I seem to be left with are beyond primitive.

I'm offered up all of the fancy things

and all of the extras and a feast of advancements

But to feel these,

to touch, to capture and to acquire these riches

I'm always forced to sacrifice part of the bare, unshakeable and raw brilliance.

ad7fiq8q29p3847re9fy

And then I tear up again

And write another line, for only me to read

And then I spread it...

I send it out because I can't stand to keep it in

And if only for a second, it helps

because I've done it for no other reason that to better myself

And I'm reminded that I still care

and I still love

and I have faith

that I'll be happy outside of the lies we tell ourselves..

Because THAT is raw, real and true...

With no "but," no "just as long as,"

Only what's interpreted between me & you..

Only feeling.

love you,

love, me.

iWant.

2009-11-13T03:02:00.000-08:00

show me brains like A***

eyes like B****

a drive like C****

and mystery like D****

love fun, like E****

have a spirit like F***

take care of me like G***

surprise me like H****

be blunt like I**

fit me like J****

speak slow & smooth like K***

succeed like L******

have as much swag as M***

as much style as N***

fix your lips like O*******

make me laugh like P*****

feel me like Q**

get dirty like R***

move like S****

show me hands like T***

make me wanna be better for/than/like U

smile like V****

be my muse like W******

be ready like X****

be honest like Y****

and be true like Z***

man.

if that doesn't spell it out for you...

; )

love you,

love, me.

Just Sometimes

2009-10-03T22:40:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I like to spend the entire day alone :)
I like to sleep in, crawl out of bed and slip into some warm fuzzies,
make myself a meal at 1pm, calling it breakfast 'cause I can.
It's usually Raisin Bran...
'cause that reminds me of summers at home
Sometimes.

After some 2AM Club-ing on my iPod I might take it for a walk.
I know the parks get lonely nowadays,
so I make my way,
sunglasses, hood, and headphones on
'cause all I want is to listen
Sometimes.

Now, Paper Route.
I like to watch the tears of autumn
dancing down, one by one
and I try, really hard, to focus on the greens
But the reds always catch my eye...

Sometimes we like to do a dinner date, myself & I
Sushi is usually best.
I smile at the chef and he wonders at my solitude
but being too polite to ask, he just smiles back
Sometimes.

Sometimes I come home late and nobody complains
nobody minds that I took the long way
and nobody laughs at how badly I park sometimes.
And sometimes, I slip back into bed
wrapping a winter mitten around Ben's pint of coffee ice cream
and at 11pm I daydream, 'cause I can.
I smile at how happy my day was, alone
and I swear to do it more often.
I want to get online and tell you about it
But for about an hour, I fight it
and then the warm fuzzies start to come
and my eyes get all misty
and I finally quit kidding myself
and I just plain miss you
Sometimes.

I Shouldn't.

2009-09-26T01:12:00.000-07:00

im in laughlin, nv right now sitting poolside at a rannndom hotel and everyone else is out here smoking, drinking and talking about the competition, haha. im burned out right now, but i can't complain.. there is always drama but there are definitely good people here and now that i've finally found internet i feel like writing. there are a few things going on in my life and in some of the people close to me & the things that i write probably/hopefully sum up a lot of situations, but this particular one is for a friend...

---

Let me just tell you... quick, before they catch me;
I feel like you're every kind of wonderful.

I've been trying to hold this in for what seems like forever, and now I can finally free my words, but what can I say before you stop listening? What can I say that'll still be heard? Can I say that you're my thrill? Cuz you're actually MORE than what I could ask for... Even your faults are endearing, your lies are worth hearing and though there are times that you're right here with me, I miss you, still.

Everyone tries to tame you but I want you just the way you are! I love your recklessness, your risk and your fury. I love that you scare and secure me at the same time and I love that when I'm with you I never have to worry, I'm always fine. I'm always smiling. You're alwayyys you.

Your consistency is divine and your devilish grin gets me through and through but your eyes say different than your swag... I love it when you're bad :) But when you're good, you're GOOD and it's the best I'll never have, cuz they won't let it be. They won't let you have me in any way and there's so many things they won't let me do, so is there anything that I can really say to you? I've been trying to hold this in to keep us together, and now that I'm finally free, my words are threatening me with our forever because we're not allowed to risk our ships.... not our "friend" for our "relation," and my time with you right now's a-wastin'! Ha... our consciences are back now, I guess I'd better back down and save these things for the day you decide to say what I never could... Cuz I think you feel it too.

---

love you,
love, me.

ps...... im really proud of the "risk our ships" line. yesssss, me! i miss that game :(

2 Day

2009-09-16T01:56:00.000-07:00

Today was a struggle. Nothing worked out the way it was supposed to! Nadaaaa. But you pick up and move when needed, i guess. I have tomorrow and then thursday i head out.. i wrote a poem on 9/6/09 i'll put up. getting lazier as i type. haha.. anyway, i spent time @ the beach that day and this pretty much sums up how i feel about

"Hermosa"

laying in patience, waiting for the sand to swallow me up... but this old beach never did move fast enough. watching, impatient, wanting the sun to give in and burn out, but it boasts incessantly, hot and proud.

soft, the sand is my constant
strong, the sun is my ride

colder now, the winds start to threaten my eden. but i'm so stubborn. i'm not leavin'. my hope's gone and im determined to detect it. by sun, sky, waves and grains i stand: lost, but always protected.

how many people come to you, Ocean? how many have lived in your depths...?
how much of you is made of my tears, and how much is made up from the rest?

home again, away from the shells, apart from the comfort of a stand still breeze. i smell roses at my door, i feel nothing of my pride, i wish you could hear my screams. im dancing. im dazed and im dozing off, i miss you but i'll never say it. with sand as a memory and the moon as my guard, Hermosa, im infatuated. Goodnight.

we've created a healthy bond, the beach & i. we've upgraded to day time visits... i'll write a better one.. i think i actually have one but i think ive already posted it "/

anyway, stuff to do tomorrow = i should sleep. or lay here i guess until the zzz's take over.

love you,
love, me.

mariel.

Lately,

2009-09-08T04:38:00.000-07:00

Lately,

things have been strange. i am making a lot of changes and doing a few things that are sort of.. outside my norm? i think im enjoying it though. i get comfortable inside of life's constants but im always open to the winds of growth. knowledge is often gained by experience and to truly live life, i have to take chances and balance on crooked roads that may not seem steady, but will definitely strengthen my character, intrigue my mind, and challenge my drive. sometimes i think my heart has to break to become strong enough to fight the pains... sometimes i wish it never had to ache. but it IS the rain that makes us grow. and although i have felt like ive been drowning, my heart pushes on and i stay afloat,

Lately,

ive been flirting with inspiration. the smallest ideas and concepts will hit me and i guess the next step is to figure out what to do after their births because, they do hit, but never hard enough to produce any... art. and lately, ive been just plain flirting! or trying, nonetheless, haha. what i get in return, though, is just never honest enough to penetrate any heART. I already know that I'm a "lover," but that doesn't mean I fall quickly, easily, or under the pretenses of lust. instead of looking for love, ive been nurturing whats in me.. lots of alone time & lots of writing.. and im falling for all the right things, resisting all the wrong ones, and discovering things i never knew i wanted...

Lately,

i want chaos. i want disarray and freedom. i want the lines ive lived within to be blurry and the paths that i take to be longer than my vision can anticipate. iwantmistkaes. i wanna learn the hard way sometimes! i want to l e t l o o o o o o o o s e. i want to go to the beach alone to catch the sunset, grab sushi @ a table for one and go dancing with strangers ignoring their responsibilities for the weekend. i want to be understood by someone instead of always being that weird eclectic chick, haha. but as always, ive been myself and things have been strange...

Lately,

love you,
love, me.

Never Fails

2009-08-13T03:31:00.000-07:00

a lot of things in life do not go the way i think they will. other things, however, never fail. for instance, i kinda only sign into my blog when im not in a good mood. so it never fails that i always want to write a really broody entry about things that i wont be specific about, which would then make it really hard for anyone to empathize or even understand what the heck im talking about... but miss ali evenson never fails to catch my attention with a picture in her posts, and then she never fails to write really funny one liners beneath them and then her entries never fail to be hilarious. ever..

other things that never fail to do something..

coffee ice cream makes me calm
marc griffins voice makes me put on a ridiculous koolaid kinda smile
dancing makes me nervous
girls walking in uncomfortable heels makes me cringe
christian makes me feel like a role model
qis walker makes my muscles feel their best & their worst
sneakers make me feel like a high schooler
silk pillowcases make me feel sexy
clubs make me feel out of place
heels make me feel in control
singing makes me love me
the stage makes me love it
love makes me happy

love you,
love, me

mariel.

Home Cookin'

2009-06-19T02:24:00.000-07:00

Man. You know when you go to your mom's and there's hella food in the fridge and the pantry and the storage closet downstairs, and you're eating frozen grapes that you don't even want, but since they're there you're gonna eat them, and even though she cooked one of your favorite dishes on the rear range, you go ahead and make some jambalaya on the front one? That is the best.

I just got off the fone with B and it was a really good conversation! I enjoy him. I'm in UT, obviously, and it feels pretty good to be here. I just got done rehearsing at my dad's and me and J are going to KILL it in this little singing competition. OH Oh oh I'm so excited.

2am Club is all over the RCA Records site and I cannot tell you crazy that is!! I can't wait for the world to be as on them as I am. Q is really good at updating me with their situations too for some reason, haha. It's pretty cool, actually. He has been writing in a style that I'm beginning to think is his little signature and I'm really proud, kind of. I don't know if that's demeaning to him, which is why it's kind of a hard thing to say out loud, but I really am. It's cool to see him working and getting happy about something, you know?

C booked a gig! He is gonna be visiting LA and taping and filming and working and I'm so happy for him!! I am pretty sure we're gonna get some time in, so that's already making me happy. Hopefully he's not threateningly tall.

J is now single and he made sure to tell me at exactly 5:43am. Hmmmm.... we shall see where this takes us.

I'm gonna go try to not eat this cinnamon roll and probably write for a bit. I just started writing a really cool motown-like, old school girl group, solange type of song. :) Gnite.

love you,
love, me

mariel.

Real Eyes

2009-05-13T01:03:00.000-07:00

It takes a certain kind of soul to realize the joy in pain. Cynical, maybe, or brutally broody, but really quite beautiful in a dark and brilliant way. There is so much growth to be made in a person while immediately recooperating from the realities of life, and I am so scared that I'll be the person to overlook said growth as I concentrate on numbing my feelings. I like to believe that I am beautiful inside, and I wonder if I'll ever see it in my reflection, in a photo, or on a screen. I wonder if the walls I put up will ever fall to the defenses I carry against myself, or if the force of someone else will tear them down. I think, somewhere in my mind, I like to imagine that if I don't allow myself to get caught up in the romance of an emotion, I will not get hurt. I am quick to forget that if I refuse the pain of a breakdown, I am also refusing the comfort of pleasure.. Can I refuse the dark and gain full appreciation of light? Can I refuse hate and still understand the truth in love? Am I willing to find out? And is it ever possible to actually do so knowingly...?

The fairytale of "happily ever after" is such a hopeful and seemingly effortless one! Is it then that I try to strive for what I can piece together as a logical dream come true, or do I take a back seat, in faith, and let the universe weave its own patchwork? Some days, I know that I deserve to smile... Other days, I pray that smiles will seep into my veins and become second nature. I hope for joy, and for pain to balance it out and stop me from taking it for granted. Jealousy is an ugly emotion, therefore I am disappointed in myself whenever a person, an action, or lack of either can get to my envious insecurities. I only want to be pleased with myself. I understand that I cannot shape my being around what others expect me to be because I will ALWAYS let someone down. At the end of the day, however, I have to live with me. I have to deal with me, pray with me, lay with me and wake up with ME. I cannot be for anyone but myself. I cannot invite anyone into my home until I have built one to invite them to, thus I cannot lend myself to anyone without knowing that I have reign, I have rule and I am unfaultering in my stance against weakness.

B is a mystery.
Q is missed.
A is aMAZING.

I'm sleepy now. Haha, write soon...

love you,
love, me

mariel.

I kind of want you.

2009-05-10T21:34:00.000-07:00

There is definitely something about you that I can't really put my finger on.. So, could you be so kind as to give me a handful? I know we haven't really known eachother long but that thing I was talking about seems real special. There's a truth in your swag and a drawl in your words and I can't keep my eyes off of yours.. And even your poorest of jokes are adored by my humor and you do more when you do less and it almost hurts when your chest isn't facing me 'cause it's your attention that I want. Sorry to drill you, I just really feel you and I want you to maybe catch a bit of me.... Though I've yet to fall, I'm down for it all and call me a sucker but I LOVE love. You see? I'm honest. And truth be told, I don't want to be too bold so don't hold it against me because in my defense it's not just me who can see that you're the best of someones to be fond of, but... yea. I kind of want you.

love you,
love me.

Redneck Woman

2009-05-07T02:22:00.000-07:00

Competed today, it was FUN! Sang a bunch of songs, blog title included... Then went out to eat the best waffle ever, as served by the cutest waiting staff in Utah. Sold clothes this morning and donated some others as well.. tomorrow we golf! After golf we sushi, after sushi we go back to chop it up with B and then its off the J & J's farewell party... then maybe to J's birthday at the hookah lounge, but that last one is doubtful :l

I'm really tired but this laptop I'm on has amazing keys and I fall deeper into infatuation the more I type... I will stop though cuz J is about to sleep... and wow that was a lot of Js.

I need to figure out what's wrong with M's arm asap.... and schedule the photoshoot with miss A, work up the nerves to call (mister) A, as he's finally home from his mission, kick it with mom at some point and then get K and drive to Planet Hollywood in Vegas. Ahh, I am not missing you tonight, LA.

love you,
love, me

mariessicanne ;)

Observe. Adapt. Conquer.

2009-05-03T20:47:00.001-07:00

Watching Home Makeover Edition. I've been not as happy as I've wanted to be lately. And as much as I would love to be the person with a super positive, happy, enlightening blog, it's easier to 'talk' here than to anyone I can actually call up. Ssssso, here, I spill.

It's a weird situation when you see your loved ones making wrong choices. I don't wanna tell anyone what to do, how to act, or who to be friends with, but it's reeeally hard to sit back and watch you do wrong when all that you deserve is right. I wish you every happiness, really... I just wished you wanted them more for yourself, haha.

With music, I'm... dying, haha. Ah. It's really hard, and it should be, I know that, but wowww. M asked me how long I'd lived in Hollywood now, and I said a year and a half... He then goes, "I think you're in your year and a half phase!" Tough. So, so tough, and I know I'll get through, it's just hard to see the path when obstacles are so constant. But at the end of every day with music, I'm living more. Ooh, so cheesy! I love it. I really cannot see myself doing anything else and until the day comes that I don't believe in it, I'm going to make sure YOU see me doing it as welllll...... I'm really distracted, PS, watching ESPN. Sorry :l

10 Things Too Tough to Tell

I wish you'd made any mistake OTHER than that one.

I don't want to take you for granted, and I'm scared to turn into you.

I don't think she is good for you, in any kind of relationship.

I wish you'd push yourself more; you deserve to live better.

Your family would be better off without you.

I refuse to be a convenience.

I missed you SO much and actually thought I might love you at one point.

I believe in your writing.

His death was my fault.

I will find you.

Those are not all the same person or persons or stories or situations, just one common denominator - me. I'm a chickennnn when it comes to certain things and I think I have decided it's because I don't wanna hurt the people I care about, and I sometimes take the abuse from holding in my feelings in the effort to protect theirs. No good.

Anyway, I wanna be smiling. Q is wheezing due to his asthma and it hurts my heart, haha. My neck is killing me and my fingertips are sore but honestly typing this little thing DID help. That's all I wanted :)

mariel.

Oh, You.

2009-04-27T19:13:00.000-07:00

You are always there... I'm so lucky to have something that I cannot see, because my faith in you makes my faith stronger in myself. It is easy to commit the sins that would seem to make us feel better. It is harder to fight the temptation of giving up. I hurt when I cannot feel you with me.. I question whether your absence is because I am unworthy, or if it is to make me understand my worth alone.

I'm surrounded by sinners. By liars, delinquents, offenders, trespassers, adulterers, and I'm surrounded by thieves. I pity them. I pity those who dangle temptation in front of themselves, commit their sins, and expect that closing their eyes to pray will be enough to erase the guilt inside. How can those who blatantly disrespect you say that they are unaware of the blasphemy taking place? How can people get better and be better when they allow the domination of bad to take place? But how can I judge them?

I have been in those shoes before. I have stood upon every sin, every temptation and every ignorance with audacity, and with valor! I have weighed my options and chosen that which left me with a heavy heart, but today I choose the latter, the lighter; the Light.

I am not a judge and dare I wear that mask I should only find myself so guilty! Thank you for giving me the power of forgiveness. Thank you for making it a choice. Thank you for bringing angels into my life to show me the possibilities and the heights that my happiness can reach, but thank you more so for bringing me demons. You could have raised me to be a blind follower, yet instead you've opened my eyes wider than I comprehend. I know not every evil that charms its way into my journey, but I have every knowing to defeat them. You are endless strength and immeasurable patience. I will not let your vacancy leave me empty anymore. I will use my fears to fuel the fire in my heart, so that when your warmth comes I can recognize it. I will be calm, and speak kindly so that when you speak I will know your voice. I will carry you with me when I need to be carried. Thank you, Spirit.

i absolutely love you,

love, me.

See...

2009-04-16T16:19:00.000-07:00

here's the thing. Yea, I have a strong sense of who I am and I'm confident and I don't need other people to validate me... but DAMN. It almost seems that you are tryyying to tear me down! Cooooool bud.

mariel.

I Want Things

2009-03-13T17:44:00.001-07:00

Back to the way they were.

love you,
love, me

mariel.

Lost A Little

2009-03-13T16:58:00.000-07:00

solo in the water and im barely holding on
barely floating, losing hope
all the boats are gone

treading through the trenches dreading every step
head down, up to my chin
being swallowed by the depth

the seconds wrap the night in tighter
lost a little, closing lids
i find that it is brighter

im a fighter, like daddy said
let me make peace with nature's maker
life is handing out beatings now
im bruised and bleeding; the only taker
i'm lost, i'm losing my fuel to withstand
i'm taking the blows, shaking them off
i'm weary, i'm broken, i come apart in his eyes
but i'm standing, i'm fearless, i'm tough
alone on the ropes, no medal on my neck
not quite a winner, i haven't lost yet
if metal and wood cover me, laying me low
i'll know above all, that at the very least, i lived.

mariel.

I Know What You Are, Baby

2009-03-01T13:53:00.000-08:00

Yeeeeeeeoooooo :)

Things are funny right now, I am loving it. I am spending a lot of time with random people and a lot more time with myself.. both are helping my brain in ways I probably don't understand. I'm sitting on the street stealing internet right now and there is a Hollywood tour bus driving past me, the riders are yelling at me, "Go 'head, girl. Steal that net!" and "Yo, I've never seen that, somebody just sitting right on the street right on a laptop right there," haha.

Better news, I have a show on March 28th and I'm SOOOOOO happy. It's not even really my show, so it's a little pathetic that I'm this excited, but in the same token I have never performed anywhere legit like this so I am giving myself the right of passage to pee my pants over the situation :)

I am about to do a lot of travelling and that makes my tummy go weird. Partly because I don't have a passport that is valid, and that makes me think of the fact that I don't have a birth certificate.. But mostly because I cannot WAIT! I want to move. I need things to GO. Proceed, progress.

Right now though, I have no debit card and the banks are closed, so I cannot buy the keyboard I have been waiting to get, so I'm gonna go inside and write some stuff, watch Stepbrothers, and enjoy the day with J. I love this.

love you,
love, me

mariel.

Oh, The Tangled Webs We Weave

2009-02-05T23:15:00.000-08:00

Maaaaaaan! Actually.... MEN. Haha, I hate that it isn't difficult for me to see the good in people. I hate that every time a new person shines, no matter how many have done so before, I get excited and appreciate it as if it's all new! I also love these little things. I love my family. I LOVVVVE my friends. Let's play. Top of the dome..

RS
DF
JJ
JT
JU
TG
KP
CF
MG
JG
AS
LM
MH
BS
MS
MW
CL
MB
BJ
TC
AE
CL
RG
CH
DP
JY
AF
PF
DD
LD
AC

I love you.

love, me.

2009-01-26T03:41:00.001-08:00

Yes. So im on again because i keep writing songs and i wanted to say something without breakin into a chorus :) Watching fresh prince, hearing pharell right now.. Just got done dyin over jamie foxxs new video, ha... Aw.

I was talkin to a friend today about who i think has major swag in the world of famousness, haha. Jamie i think is on that list. But i really wish he would go back to the days he that he sang!

Had more id drama today, that was fun and not embarassing at all :)

im about to get back to writing.. I love my friends. My couch. My life and ohhhhh my gosh commercial for children with cancer, oh goodness :( Life is great and i cant take things for granted and i have to speak things into exsitence... :) I hope everyone is well, mama need song writing and sweet, dreamy sleep.

love you,
love, me

mariel.

Stress.

2009-01-25T23:14:00.001-08:00

UGH!

Whyyyy I am not on top of the simplest things, I do not knowww.
And why haven't I heard from you... (Reba McIntire circa '98)

mariel.

2009-01-23T02:56:00.001-08:00

That car? Mama likey. Today was interesting... I started by waking up from a really bad dream, which reminds me: i love everyone! Even though J is being really loud and i an resisting the strangling of his neck ;) Really.

i can't find my birth certificate, so that's really bad.... And some friends of mine are acting really weird. On a better note, some OTHER friends of mine are being really good at their jobs :)

im so tired yet i always want to get on here and type to myself! what kinda....

love you,
love, me

mariel.

2009-01-22T04:59:00.000-08:00

One of my favorite things in life is when people surprise me. I like things that are unexpected or unusual and i (usually) enjoy when people prove me wrong! i like to learn, haha, especially about people. Hung out with YM again and had a really good time.... Spent a day with J and i think that was pretty healthy, we did a LOT of talking about life and duties and sins and sweets. With all the crazy dreams i have been having lately, i just hope all my little people are happy and safe!

I cleaned so much today! It feels really good..... But now i don't know where anything is :/

love you,
love, me

mariel.

Winnin.

2009-01-18T14:12:00.000-08:00

I am so proud of myself lately :) I have never written such yucky poppy stuff day after day like this and I'm lovvving it. I'm going to Utah soon to sing at this underage, bride-with-baby wedding. That shouldn't be awkward at all.... I just hope nobody cries if I sing love songs. Or yells at me.

Wrote a song called Hollywood last night that I am dying over. Been listening to The Jakes, Chic Gamine, Young Murph, Hey Monday and Busta, haha. And Hey Moon by Panic! At the Disco, plus Bounce by The Cab plus Superhuman by Chris Brown & Keri Hilson.

I have never been to Hollywood.

love you,

love, me

mariel.

Last Night

2009-01-18T00:00:00.001-08:00

Haha... Ahhhhhhman. Life is a triiip! I love it :) I have such good people in my life and it's really hard not to be amazed and enamored by them all. And the situations I get myself into are.... great. In such a bad way!

But great.

love you,

love, me

mariel.

2009-01-17T17:20:00.000-08:00

last day @ journeys

Nostalgia

2009-01-16T00:12:00.000-08:00

Aw!!! Yes, cover of LDS newspaper :) Haha...

love you,
love, me

mariel.

Bed Of Burdens

2009-01-13T19:02:00.000-08:00

Hiiiyaaa. R texted me after like 2 weeks! Weird... nice, though. K called me last night but that was just to get something that he needed, haha.... and then I let myself text YM and M and I still want to let some other friends know that they're missed but it's not too serious. I love my friends. Love life. Love that I just got offered a publishing deal. Love that I'm too stubborn and creatively emotional and greedy to want to let any of my songs go! What a dumb little meee.

There's only so many songs that I can sing to pass the time...

I work again tomorrow ughhhhh. Today was a nice ease back in comparison to how the past week has been! I wrote some quality things today. Wrote a craaazy rap, haha. I would like to borrow Fiona Apple's brain for just a day... and Brandy's voice. And Matt Reagan's entire self.

love you,
love, me.

mariel.

Beauty In The Gutter

2009-01-12T19:17:00.000-08:00

I wish I could tell you how much I appreciate my gut! There are so many times in life when I find myself doing things for no apparent reason, rhyme, or sense... and they always come back to me later with a bigger purpose than I would have understood at the time, and then that reminds me that I'm progressing in some way, haha. Love this.. I love finding things out about people and, in turn, finding things out about myself.

For some reason, I've had a lot of prayers/dreams lately that are telling me a lotttt of tests are coming. A lot of.. help him, help her, help them; be the bigger person and help relieve the weights; appreciate my own quality and fight the things that tempt me to be less.

A LOT of "I miss you"s want to leave my text outbox lately, but they haven't. I don't know why! It's a good feeling to be missed and I don't know exactly why I wouldn't want my kiddos to feel that from me, but secretly maybe I want to be missed? Or I don't want them to know I need them?

...I'll never let this go

But I can't find the words to tell you
I don't want to be alone
But now I feel like I don't know you...

love you,

love, me.

mariel.

Looking Forward

2008-12-31T01:45:00.003-08:00

Tomorrow is my day off!! Yesssss. But, I do have to go into work and have a little convo about how I'm pretty sure the n word is nottt to be used in the work place and that I am not ok with its reoccurring role in our back room. So... there is still work to be done :( Also, I feel really funny saying the n word. And right now I don't even mean the actual n word itself, but just the little.. phrase, "n word," haha. Awkward.

Talked to N today for like two minutes and that was all that I needed to remember how chill he is. Ah.. deffffinitely appreciate him.

What I do not appreciate, is the fact that none of my pictures (one of which has a blooper that is the little accent to this here entry.) are wanting to load on up to photobucket or myspace :( Hmmmm. We shall figure this out at Q's tomorrow and hopefully I can just load them from his place as he loads fruity loops into his computadora. Will write again manana...

love you,
love, me

mariel.

Long Distance

2008-12-28T23:26:00.000-08:00

With you is where I'd rather be
But we're stuck where we are
This long distance is killin' meeeeeeee.

Oh, blog. I want to leave this little California right now. Good thing I'm going home soon! Hopefully that will fulfill my little need-a-vaca feeling............ If only I coulda done that while freakin M was in freakin Utah for Christmas OH that woulda been too much, haha. SO sick.

My brain is back to writing and I'm so so so so so happy. My voice is getting up more and more every day and I'm loving the things I'm coming up with and being able to do and oh singing i am your wife.

mama sleepy.

love you,
love, me.

mariel.

Get Stupid

2008-12-17T04:09:00.001-08:00

Work tomorrow at 8am. Fuuun!

i have to call Aldo i have to call Aldo i have to.

i didn't work today but i also didn't do any laundry :( i have kiiind of been thinking about someone all day and it's been..... different. i can't figure out what exactly is going on in my brain, haha. Hm..........................

I went to breakfast with R today and that was pretty chill. He, too, tried to feed me (fidm) and i just do nottt get it :/

I have been thinking about the 27 Club lately. That whole concept is insane to me..... I'm wondering if that is really a huge coincidence or if it's only found because it's looked for. Like, if i were to look for all the basketball players who ever died in December, or the number of girls with my name who died on a weekend, haha, what would i find? Crazy things, maybe. I wonder if the musicians who start to gain their fame at 24 ever really wonder about the list. I hope its just a coincidence... :)

I started 3 songs today and im really proud. Now i just have to get to finishing themmm..

love you,
love, me

mariel.

I Thought

2008-12-16T04:22:00.000-08:00

I thought I'd write tonight
I thought it'd be easy

'Cuz writing is the ~~easiest hardest worst best~~ realest when you feel it

love you,
love, me

mariel.

Soundtrack

2008-12-14T00:12:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I've been trying to list out all the songs that would be on the soundtrack to the movie of my life (YUP i'm that big of a loser)... and I think I have a few good ones:

Fear by Jazmin Sullivan
Dear Life by Anthony Hamilton
Can You Be by ME! Yeaaaaa, I know.
Through The Fire by Chaka Khan
Trees by Marty
Damaged by Danity Kane, as dumb as that sounds it's true!
I'm Yours by Jason Mraz
Belief by Gavin Degraw
Keep Ya Head Up by Tupac (for the chorus)

8 so far, not all solid but steeeeeel. My picture over there is cuz I've been making lots of wishes lately :) But more importantly, What Do You Want For Christmas?

love you,
love, me

mariel.

Who Lived in a Shoe?

2008-12-13T15:37:00.001-08:00

i have written this blog 8 times throughout my work day because i keep getting fone calls and the text erases :(

Basically, lost my voice, got it back, worked with N and YM finally, miss Utah and J, A, L and M, and really want to go to Dubai ASAP ;) ....i think.

FIDM is talking much less, R got a puppy! T too. I am stressed but not but i am but im really not WHOA i almost just fainted haha....

time to rest. ill write tonight!

love you,
love, me.

mariel.

Cried Me A River

2008-12-08T02:19:00.000-08:00

I don't know what I'm thinking, not going to sleep right now! I'm always wanting to talk to nobody in particular, with nothing specific in mind. I think I just try to get away from the things that occupy my mind all day. Maybe 3 people read this... yet I keep it for the same reason that I don't keep locks on my journals. I think I want to be heard. This isn't necessarily a cry out to people, it may be me literally trying to be an open book... because I knowingly shut myself off from everyone. It's like, I have the hardest time trusting people but I want everyone to know everything about me. I feel like telling people everything would just be so emotionally draining that I'd be through before I started, so I just like to write as if every fact that makes up my life is already known. I think I'm a fairly simple person... but when I don't have songs for my complications to come out in, I get all mixed up and messy! I'm falling asleep.... I'm texting FIDM... opening the store in the morning and waiting for the DM to come in. I hope everyone's night went well and I hope tomorrow sheds new light on my crazy.

no tears on a monday!

love you,
love, me

mariel.

Oh, Man

2008-12-06T09:44:00.001-08:00

Right now, it's a little hard to look at the positive things! Very few things in my life can I think about and be happy, though I know I'm very lucky right now. I need to figure out how to get the money to fix my car, that sounds like the Most important thing... cuz that just caused stress for me this mornin. Everything else makes me miss someone or feel sad or sorry. Mama no likey!

I'll be praying for myself as a given.
I'll be praying for us as a people.

i asked for you to come, but you left when i needed you Most. im sorry i cannot be what you need. i hope we are not a mistake. who's playing who, here? who are we kidding?

love you,
love, me

mariel.

See

2008-12-02T04:01:00.001-08:00

Open your eyes and see what's true.

I'd love to,
love, me.

mariel.

Decembrrr.

2008-12-01T11:12:00.001-08:00

It's December and the cold is comin' down now....

just not in California. So much has changed since last December and to be honest with you, it's pretty depressing! But that's ok because this particular blog should be a positive one :)

I have been working SO much! Paycheck is a good thing, right? Right.

I miss M! Shizzzzz. I was talking about him yesterday with L and i just cannot get over how GREAT he is at being a human haha. Road trip to NY, anyone?

Wrote a cute little song again. Have been trying to write these rap ideas for Q.. Haven't fully found what I need the song to sound like so hopefully he is slaving away over a pen and pad... buuut i doubt it. He works a lot too, and I hear he's gotten into some other extracurricular things so let's pray i figure this song out!

Bytheway.. I forgot my money at home and don't get off til 5. Hunger pains!

L is the best. I was a little jealous with the whole L & T situation but who am I to be stupid like that? I am in full support of whatever makes L as happy as possible :) I have to say, though, I'm not completely sure what he wants me to be and where I should stand, but i know that i want to be there for him in whichever area he feels i fit most, without compromising what I believe in.

FIDM is still proving himself to be the sweetest thing alive. What do you do in a situation like that? I feel like im almost on the other side of the me and M.... thing. It's really good to have him around me but I don't know if his life needs me around him. Like, i know im a good person but i can be a little... poisonous at times. I hope to never have that come out in any interaction with people but then he gives me this thing about how he wants to know everything and he accepts everything that i am. Can that really be possible if he doesn't know me though? And just when is it that you KNOW someone? Bottom line, he's reeeeeeeeally good.

R and myself have been MIA for like 2 weeks! He is missed... and so is J. And so is my brother and sometimes PD and all the time McJ and L and A! Omy A. I love the letters...

I decided I'm excited for when I become a mother, and more importantly, a mom. But right now? I gotta be a mama! On and off stage.

mari-eeeeEE....

C, T and D are moving back to Arizona and it kills me inside :( But on a positive note, ahlovedems.

I have been fine tuning a Christmas list for myself :) I like this time of year even though it makes me a little sad but it really isn't the same without snow! I was gonna make a whole blog about this with pictures and stuff but I'm really bored at work so we play now.

- Every Eminem album! Most importantly, the Marshall Mathers LP.
- A REPLACEMENT book of lists. I lost my old one but I'm thinking of getting a journal from BN and getting it bound in leather by that guy that A knows, then making my own lists.
- A new journal, haha. Mama no likey runnin out of pages in this Thoureau one... and i don't know how to spell his last name :/
- A video iPod and some big headphones.

OK PAUSE. GIRLS CALLING MY WORK AND HANGING UP BECAUSE I AM NOT THE MAN THEY WANT TO TALK TO IS REALLY F'ing ANNOYING. ASK FOR JOHN!! ITS THAT EASY.

- That jacket from Slick Fit... So sick.
- A camera. Not digital though..
- And finally, the all important Polaroid film!

There's my little materialistic side out and open. Hopefully I can get these things for me after i take care of everyone else :)

love them,
love you,
love, me.

mariel.

Raw

2008-11-20T00:26:00.000-08:00

Little girl

A Little hurt

Rubbed a little raw inside

No change

She's outraged

Rubbed a lot of stones outside

Wished on stars

Tossed out coins

Pulled on sticks and bones

Played their tricks

The bossy little boys

Now she's washing off scars, and so

Little girl

A Little hurt

Turned a little tough outside

The abuse doesn't stray

She's built of remains

Waiting to thaw, too raw to cry

love you,

love, me

mariel.

In Time

2008-11-10T00:02:00.001-08:00

So.... sleepy. Sitting at Oakwoods not in F102 and its a little street and unfamiliar, imnotgonnalie. Listening to Leona Lewis and getting slightly jealous buttt that's ok. Healthy, i think. Work is funny! Got promoted and ummm I think im making more but i don't know yet... it would only make sense, right?

New boy is tripping me out a bit. We can call him FIDM. I think i secretly want to live his life after i finish getting my Grammys and such :)

Q is back at his house and its kind of weird but he keeps having me come through and we still haven't worked on any music so my little heart is sinking in relation to our band.

M i out in NY killing songs, Im sure.. Not talking to him is poop. N and YM are out here though and they are fun to take the mind of that 2am type thing......

Just a side note.... Whatever music I am listening to making me lose all focus and feel a little funny inside. I want SUGAR now please...

Wowww this is really my life.

love you,
love, me

mariel.

Wowww.

2008-11-03T12:38:00.000-08:00

So, I'm at the DMV finally registering my car to California. I forgot to write my name on something so I waited for one of the windows next to me to open up and I stood to ask the man if i could borrow a pen. Mind you, there was a pen sitting right on the counter in front of me, but considering the fact that it was wired to his desk, I figured I should ask. He just looks at me, reaches up and scoots the pen away from where I'm standing. I look at him and he now won't make eye contact with me!

"Sir, do you not have a pen that I can borrow? I just need to sign this really quickly."

He looks past me. I look at his name plate which says .

"Sir, do you speak English? Are you Filipino? Nagsasalita ba kayo ng Tagalog?"

And then he looks! And then he looks past me and goes, "You need to make room for my customers." The counter is least 3 feet wide. His last customer left just before our happy little convo had begun and even after turning around to look, I saw no rush of any ticket holders running to Window 18. Dude had no customers.

"OK, that's fine."

Um, now some lady seems to think I'm part of the back rest included on the chairs. And she's speaking Tagalog.

The DMV + Filipino people seems to not be a very good combo.

B 229 was just called, I'm one away from escaping this frustration of a place :)

love you,
love me.

mariel.

Week

2008-11-02T23:15:00.000-08:00

For Halloween I was a ref and I rocked the illest wig everrr. So sick. I really would like to make my hair white but it would probably all fall out before even touching blonde, haha.

R is a sweet kid, I think. He's gettin' his respect from me, so far ;) Good guy.

Q moved back and painted his room my dream red. A little disappointing, but it's ok cuz I'm not allowed to paint my walls anyyyway. LAME!

Um, there are people out in the street being ridiculous levels of loud and I'm doing my best to not yell at them...

Aldo offered me a job, again. I don't know what to do, again. I need to just not be working retail at ALL, that is the goal omy I completely forgot: I met Demi Lavato at work, haha. I was very embarrassed. Not that there was anything to be embarrassed about, like working at a shoe store or looking like a scrub or getting really hot and developing a little excite-sheen. Nothing like that. She's a sweetheart, her aunt as well, and she is so, so talented. Her aunt, I don't know about but I'm sure whatever she does, she does well, haha.

If I stay awake much longer I will be assassinating the midnight peace-disturbers..

love you,
love, me

mariel.

Down From Super

2008-11-02T22:46:00.000-08:00

That yellow thing is the machine that my daddy fixes at work. Crazyyy, no?

I miss him.

love you,
love, me

mariel.

Yea, Son.

2008-10-29T23:28:00.000-07:00

Hello hello :)

Things are changing, a bit. A little strange, but mostly good... I'm going to Utah for a few days, so that should be pretty interesting, haha. Hopefully I will be able to bring my geee-tar and show Daddy what I've been doing all this time.

I hate hairspray. After a good, hard day, I feel like a snowflake.

Yo. I think I am going to become this guy's salsa partner! Haha, weeeeird, right? It should be pretty fun, I think, so we'll see if it works out...

Oh oh oh. M is writing me, yeaaaa son. I am so excited that this freaking band got freaking signed I can't even tell you. It's almost as wonderful as if I were to get signed.

Allllmost ;)

love you,
love, me

mariel.

PS, let's have a quick run-through...

Q is moving back
R is opening up, and showing interest in extra-curricular reading
T is singing for something, but I don't know what..
C hit Green Light in his middle
P from the studio hit me up.. YES sir.

Apples & HS

2008-10-21T07:44:00.000-07:00

I haven't been awake early enough to catch Saved By The Bell since I was in high school, haha. It was a wonderful thing.... But I may or may not have denied it for the Lost Scenes from the Hills. I mean, come on. THAT is sad.

Dude. I wrote a cute little soulful song the other night and I love love love buttt I hear it's "too R&B" for me. Hm. Dunno how I feel about that shizzz.

OH! K. This should have been the first order of business. Q comes home and goes, "Wow, you must really like that applesauce I bought, huh? You ate half of them!" I said, "No, Sir, I had ONE." He goes, "But I had one.." And there were 7 of 12 missing... Someone is thieving my applesauce cups and I don't like it! Gimme. Womanizer.

;)

But yea. I gotta get to work and stop BSing on blogs at some point. I'm prepared for this 9-5 as soooooon as I finish my Cap'n Crunch. Bye bye birdies.

love you,
love, me

mariel.

"And Then.."

2008-10-20T01:48:00.000-07:00

And then andthenandthen?!

That is what I feel like W -being, the World- is saying to me lately. A lot is going on but at the same time.... nothing at all, haha. Kind of puts your mind in a weird space. Well, my mind.

UM, 2am Club plays tomorrow. Ohmyguh. Exciting, no?

Q and I have been writing a little more so I'm hopefully getting over my little anti-creative stint. MAN that was/is frustrating. I am hearing a weird, Blondie meets Motown vibe and I think mama likeyyy.

So, can I just be open really quickly? It's kind of an awkward thing, going into someone's room and running into a condom wrapper. I mean.. considering the 'wholesome' life I live (so I'm told), what is my reaction to that supposed to be?? I don't know either so, I just looked away! I admit I hesitated, but I collected my inner laughter long enough to ask to be excused from the room 'to find a bathroom,' in order to give him ample time to do exactly what he did -- pudditaway. Haha ahh man. 50% of my life has been made up of awkward situations that I may or may not thrive off of... with a little too much acceptance of them. Oh, R. Yea, CLEAN R. Cuuuute, huh? Hm. ;)

My legs are ridiculously soft right now. It's a little odd.....

As I was saying, I want to be great.

love you,
love, me

mariel.

O' La.

2008-10-16T01:19:00.000-07:00

Hola, Ol' LA.

Me here, just blogging through real quickkk. Not that I'm busy. Cuz it suuure is 1:21am and I sure can't sleep and I sure do have to open the store tomorrow. OH boy. Speaking of, there is a new one to speak of. R, that is. Very nice, very... clean. Haha, very chill. I don't know if I've mentioned him yet but, y'know. He's definitely there. I obviously don't know what to really think about this one but we'll see what's up and keep you posted.. even though 'you' are just A and the occasional S. Thank you, bytheway.

I'm having a very hard time writing, lately. It's really REALLY depressing :( I bought a poetry book by a guy named Steve Abee and it's incredible. I feel inadequate, haha. I have been online looking at schools and stuff.... also, depressing. I looked up things that I'm interested in and then looked up what careers they can lead to but none of them are or lead to what I love and they're all pretty redundant in their disappointing...ness.

Whoa. I just got added into a category on this man's myspace that is called "Sexy As Hell." Hm....
Two points to me for being the most clothed :)

love you,
love, me

mariel.

All In A Week's Work

2008-10-12T00:46:00.000-07:00

1 perfect fedora was purchased
Met 2 British guys @ work
3 people made me clean Whitey (my car)
6 lips were exposed
5 guys gave me the chills singing "Exclusive"
I've had 7 purchases at Gloria Jean's Coffeehouse
8 prayers were said for YM
11 lines were sent through gmail
And 123,657,811 shoes tormented me at work.. or so it seemed.

I really want my longboard. And I really want to get back in the studiooo. And I want to work with Brian Michael Cox and Patrick Stump and I want George Gershwin to write me a hit.

It's comin' at me strong, but I'm running from the wind...

love you,
love, me

mariel.

I need a post like this.

2008-10-06T22:19:00.000-07:00

I smiled today, thanks to you...

Myspace Counter. Today, you read 73 at 10:35pm and I'm so proud!

Elder McJeez. You wrote me today and I couldn't have gotten a better message.

Dogs.

Echinacea.. I've been taking pills of you to ensure that I don't get sick and now.. well, now my sweat smells like you. I know. It's kinda funny if you think about it, though. Do a bunch of sit ups, get a good, solid core, and smell like a pleasant little flower, what more could I want?

Jason Young. BIG J Young, haha. Tomorrow is your birthday and I wished you a good one, I love the texts you send me in reply to mine :)

This guy always makes me smile. Isn't he beautiful? Oh, that Lemony. He is so talented and he's finally starting to believe it a tiny bit, haha. His writing is finally showing that.

Now, SHE, is somethin' else. You should meet her. Know her. Study her. Haha, oh and sorry, she's takennn! Howcuuuute.

Um, in conjunction, we are the BEST. It really gets no better.
Manohman. Today was a very random day but I got through it. Tomorrow I work again! I think I have a hankering for playtime with YM, which sounds much dirtier than it should, really. I like his energy. I'm gonna work hard cuz it's a Tuesday and then I really just want to cheeeeel.

anyway...

love you,
love, me

mariel.

Finally

2008-10-06T20:40:00.000-07:00

Finally,

i woke up this morning thinking of, well, not you.
i smiled brighter than the california skies
the only blues around were those outlining the clouds
the only darkness behind the lids on my eyes

Finally,

i haven't seen your name between the lines of every song
haven't heard you in the streets
i haven't felt this free from lust in so long
i'm looking forward to not seeing you in my dreams

Finally,

I moved on, Finally, I got over you!
Finally, I'm not falling
Finally, you- oh, wait that's my phone
Gotta go! You're calling,

Finally :)

haha, true story, bytheway. I got a crush on you myyyy baby...

love you,
love, me

mariel.

A Voluble Lesson

2008-10-06T00:35:00.000-07:00

voluble – adjective; characterized by a ready and continuous flow of words; fluent; glib; talkative: a voluble spokesman for the cause.

Heyyy. So, I just got off the fone with M and I have to say 90% of the conversations that I have with him are educational. I like talking to people like this. Whether it be educational, inspiring, or just thought-provoking, the topics of talk are never less than stimulating. AND they make me wanna look up funny synonymous words for every day words so that I can pose to be as eloquent and educated as those of higher distinguishable levels that surround me, haha. Oh, me.

R got fired today, I think. Uh oh! This means we need a new part-timer. It's gonna be a girl and I just prayyyy she's chill. And if she's not, I will instruct her with the heaviest of hands and get our store back into tip top customer servicing shape. ;) I resent my job, haha, just kidding. Just kidding. Hahaha.. woooo loser.

My newest interests are good at making me smile. I have a few that I'd like to share in case you are bored, which, you obviously are... as you continue to read my blog.

* Music
- "Black & Gold" by Sam Sparro. Really catchy, but more than anything, I want you to listen to his voice! If you can get the acoustic version, ahhhh. Even better.
- "6 ft. Gentleman" by me. HA! Just kidding. Kind of, but really I wrote a cute little song that you must hear. Actually, I wrote a cute little song that I must record, and THEN you must hear. I'll do my part, you do yours, k'peesh?
* Food
- Dude. Hot Dog On A Stick fries. Not that they're really good or anything sensible like that, they are just perfect for the marriage of french fries and ice cream. Yes. Hot Dog On A Stick fries and Haagen Daaz are a good substitute for Wendy's fries and frosty. I make due.
* Blog
- Ok this is not new to me but it's new to me telling you about it because I've always kind of half hid the fact that I was really this nerdy of a fan and this creepy of a person: Tyler Hilton's blog is hilarious. He also puts up videos of him singing songs in random places, but since he's really good, nobody minds. Subscribe! He's a talented guy.. AND he made me pick up the guitarrr.

Ok, can we just have this discussion really quickly? There's no denying it: reading someone else's blog is pretty creepy. Granted, it's public for a reason but it still is like.. a dive into someone's personal life. Because, yea, it's only as personal as the blogger wants it to be, so obviously you couldn't possibly be getting too deep into anything.. but what if said blogger actually shares every and all things and you just are bombarded with TMI disguised in kudo-starved paragraphs that live beneath cute little titles? Creep-o. It's funny you stay. But I do it too. Freakin' blogs. Gimme your blog address so I can check yours out every now and then and we'll call it even.

marielness.blogspot.com

love you,
love, me

mariel.

Are You Gonna Fix It

2008-10-04T13:25:00.000-07:00

So. I just wanted to come through and say that I fully enjoy dancing in my apartment to Damaged, by Danity Kane, and I have nnno shame. I think the neighbor man may find it a little entertaining as well..... Whether it be from my performance or the fact that I'm looking scrubby and unkempt, and find comfort in a white tee and boxers, I don't know. Nonetheless, I think it brightens both of our days, haha.

I am going to start putting these up on my myspace blog just to maybe get more people to see it and laugh at my nerdness. Who knows? Maybe you dance in your rooms as well! We can bond.

love you,
love, me

mariel.

You Can Look

2008-09-30T22:20:00.000-07:00

It's funny when you don't expect much from people and then they surprise you. I love being wrong, in that sense. But then it gets to a point where I begin to expect that unexpected, and they're to live up to the very bar they set. It's sad to be disappointed. It would almost be easier to just feel angry. To feel anger and discontentment toward an action is much easier to handle than to just be straight up disappointed. To be hurt. So, then I go on ignoring their actions to follow and am able to deal with the dismissable characteristics about them, drowning them in the shadow of their very own dark side. And then they turn around and do me right, again, and I'm wrong, again. And thus the cycle continues. How do you determine whether the good or bad in a person weighs heavier on your heart? And how do you determine whether or not this person is a bright enough light in your life to carry... or whether or not they cast shades of gray on your path?

love you,
love, me

mariel.

Because I Want It.

2008-09-29T00:42:00.000-07:00

Gimme...
(another list)

Law & Order SVU
Powdered donuts
A ballroom dancing partner
More film for my Polariod
Gas, for Whitey, not me
A Rokr by T-Mo
A Nano Pet. I lost mine inside of the couch emporium in Utah
and have not been the same since.
A head of hair to cut
Guitar lessons
M
J's desire to smoke to diminish
A band
A band
A band
A band
A band
Coffee
A keyboard
T's body
Better time management
Obama
A license in one or all of the following:
Cosmetology
Bartending
Criminal Psychology
More blog readers
More Myspace hits

Dangit. I just thought of another list I wanted to make and now I can't remember, thanks to law & order. Abraham tolllld her that John fell in love with another woman and she just believed him. Jeeeez. :) I'm officially THAT nerdy.

love you,
love, me

mariel.

I, Nerdy

2008-09-27T00:16:00.000-07:00

Things that can precede "I'm a dork, I know..."

- I have been watching the Disney Channel for the past 2 hours

- I feel like the best I've looked all day is right now;
no make up, high pony and my half shirt plus my dad's sweatpants

- I'm laughing as silently as possible as Jennifer Hudson goes bad on Jay Leno...
everyone around here is sleeping but she is so siiiiick!

- My dessert tonight was a package of Gushers

- I've completely messed up my rugs doing sets of sit ups, push ups and inverts

- I wrote a song today about the freeways we were passing and was really close
to using "hella" but was voted against, haha

- I miss playing BASEketball in front of my heez in Utah. Yea, heez. And watch that movie, BASEketball. Very... educational. :)

I started the list thinking I had a lot more things to list because I'm always told how nerdy I am but I think the most nerdy thing about me may actually be the fact that I can't truly recognize my dork-ness... otherwise I'd be able to tell you about it all. This wasn't a very productive blog....

aww meeeeee-annnn.

still,

love you,
love, me

mariel.

Reprise

2008-09-25T00:28:00.000-07:00

I wrote four songs todayyy. Not finished, of course, cuz I would then just be someone other than myself and have nothing to work towards. I guess I kind of collectively only wrote one song. Anywayyy, wrote one called 6 Ft. Gentleman which is really cute, I think, in an acoustic Sara Barielles kind of way. And yea I kill spelling. I was sitting down listing everything I was thinking about and basically every guy name that came up belonged to a man who was about 6 ft tall. And.. thus. Haha just thus ;) Hence.

Wrote another about Lust and how you look for it when the one you love turns their back on you. Cheating. I wrote one about someone really wanting to be something to someone but knowing the other person doesn't deserve the heartach, so you'd like to spare them. I just typed "heartach" and my spell check seems to be ok with it... Whattheheck.

That's three, right? I forgot the other... Actually, I think two of them were kind of the same topic.. Either way, I have some dope little lines :)

"You're all bad, but I'm no better. We're no good, we're perfect together."
"I'm not here to be your hero but that don't mean that I won't save you."
"You're a pretty little thing for a 6 ft Gentleman."
"Lust isn't healthy, but love isn't helping."

There's more but then I would just be typing lyrics all night. Not coooool. I have been talking to J and A so much and I wrote all day at work today OH it was a wonderful thing. M bought me a writer's rhyming dictionary. My life has forever changed, haha. And sitting in an empty parking lot hearing your favorite singer cover old Beatles classics on the guitar is really far too much spoiling for one person to get.

I love my life.

Love you,
Love, me

mariel.

Home

2008-09-24T02:14:00.000-07:00

When I think of home I think of a place where there's love overflowing...

Sick of same
And I'm tired of tired
I wanted to believe in you
Believe me, I tried
I'm unphased by the every
Understanding is heavy
In no new edition
Steady repetition
Daddy, there's no hope
But me,
I'm ready to go
I know it's a little messy
But it's something to show
Tell me, How come they don't want me?
Tell me what I need to do
Tell them I'm a little different
But I carry somethin' new
Cuz I can sing, right?
With a pad, I pen the future to be what I like
And through my lead, I can sin
Letting loose, I can win
So, the change will forever stay the same.

I wish I was home, I wish I was back there with the things I've been knowing...

Love you,
Love, me

mariel.

Let Me Tell You

2008-09-23T02:40:00.000-07:00

I'll tell you this in confidence
If my confidence will let me tell
It may be hard because truth and I

Don't know each other very well

Ssssso, I'm about to jump into bed and knock out because work is in less than 7 hours so my mind es no workings completely correctly, therefore, let's work backwards. I just got home from N's house. Got to kick it with him and M. Ilovethem. It's cool to talk to people who are very good with words.. and have lived lives with stories to tell. We went walking and I got to hear about a little of the history behind the greatest band ever, The Transfer. Yea, them. Nottt them. I refuse to call them that. Again. Freak... I really cannot wait for 2011 when M's solo project comes out and kills everyone in the game. We went grocery shopping and such.

Before that, I was watching Heroes with Q and fully confused :( I have yet to see the second season and have only recently wrapped my brain around the happenings of the first, so to throw in a third was kind of ridiculous. Hayden Panetierre was pretty though, haha.

Before that I was car shopping. Well, lot shopping. Not so much shopping at all, actually, just kind of being envious of the new freaking cars that are out and annoyed by the fact that I really chose Whitey. Butilovehim.

And before that, I turned down Aldo and decided I would have more time for what I wanna do if I stick with Journey's. I can still have a job and a little income situation, but still have the hours that are required to pursue my dreeeam. The paycheck from Aldo's woulda been grrreat, though, I can't deny that. Guys, as quoted by the infamous Annie, it's a hard knock life.

Finally, before that it was... good morning! And now, good night :)

love you,
love, me

mariel.

A SLO Weekend

2008-09-22T01:53:00.000-07:00

I just got in bed. Finallyyy. There's something about getting into bed after being hurt so badly that almost makes you want to get up and stay doing what you were doing 'cause the comfort only comes through pain. My body feels like I have been working at a shoe store for six hours too many after having driven three hours too long in a car scented by McDonald's. Oh, wait.

I got to N's house right after work on Saturday afternoon and was so stressed from the stupid shoe counting fiasco. YM was there already so it really wasn't more than 10 minutes before we got on the road to go see The 2AM Club play in San Louis Obispo, so I was very excited about this. San Luis. The ride was cool, I had a funny conversation with my dad who is convinced that I can get Wayne Brady and Stevie Wonder to come perform with me in Utah. Haha... Manohman. I also ended up singing to N and YM for a little of the way, got to hear YM's (ridiculous) 3 song demo situation and got a lotttt of feedback on random things from the both of them. Productive :)

We grabbed dinner at Baja Fresh and talked about the level of comfort between us all and I was informed that I somehow make them want to be more wholesome versions of themselves when I am around, haha. What? That makes me feel like the mom in the room. When it's like,

"Is your mom here?"
"Yea. Oh, but don't worry she's a cool mom."
"Dude. Your mom's here."

Not cool. Basically, I don't have many serious things to worry about at the time being so for that I'm very grateful. I hope everyone's good and all that good goodness.

love you,
love, me

mariel.

As Exemplified By S

2008-09-17T01:08:00.000-07:00

I Am

(version 1.0)

I am short, not stout
I wonder what Jeanie dreams about
I hear lace shaped Skittles
I see music
I want to open up
I am short, not stout

I pretend that I am a rockstar, often named Mariel
I feel a change gon' come
I touch 2AM, then and now.
I worry I won't live up to my potential
I cry when you get hurt
I am short, not stout

I understand what's reality isn't always what's real
I say fame isn't sexually transmitted
I dream of marrying the man who teaches me to tread water
I try to be true
I hope I leave you better than when I found you
I am short, not stout

Killed A Roach w/ My Phone

2008-09-17T00:00:00.000-07:00

...y'know how it is.

Basically, today was a craaaazy day. Woke up & went to work, normal. SLOW. Had a meeting with Aldo on Melrose and it was super intense. Then went on my way to pick up Q and I get a text saying he inhaled too many fumes and isn't being allowed to work cuz he's disoriented and such.. AH! Got scared, didn't like it, got him some food and coffee and long boarded outside his work while he ate 'til the clock hit 5. Then went to Aldo on Hollywood and Highland to interview with the manager there who is pretty entertaining, haha. Ran into J, he called A and we sat down to catch up on everything. Turns out, A's doing Bring It On Cinco (I know..) and I said that my number must be given to M because he's a stand up guy :)

While we were talking in the courtyard, man comes up and hands us a flyer to go see Wayne Brady at the Virgin Megastore. Um, yes. So, I go and watch him perform some songs from his album, sounded GREAT. His back up singers were so clean and can I just tell you Jamie Jones was one of them.. yessss All 4 One. Anway, I buy the cd and go to get an autograph and he tells me to stick around so I can meet everyone. I'm introduced to all the people behind the little security belts and he asks if I want to join them for dinner. Haha.. his daughter wants pizza.

We walk to CPK 7 deep, I order a Chinese Chicken Salad (delicious) and say maybe 10 words the whole time. What kinda nervous... I also have to charge it to the fact that I was writing a really good song at the table and was guilty of being stuck in that :/ I don't know why I was nervous. It wasn't the M kind of nervous or the Stevie Wonder kind of nervous, I think it was "I used to watch you in middle school and I really don't wanna bring any of your hilarious-ness up cuz I don't know if it's taboo to talk about your career while you're not actually working" kind of nervous, haha. I'm also not exactly sure what taboo means. Looking it up...

ta·boo [tuh-boo, ta-]. –adjective

1.	proscribed by society as improper or unacceptable: taboo words.

2.	(among the Polynesians and other peoples of the South Pacific) separated or set apart as sacred; forbidden for general use; placed under a prohibition or ban.

–noun

3.	a prohibition or interdiction of anything; exclusion from use or practice.

Yeaaa. :) I'm supposed to hang out with X this weekend AND I'm supposed to be recording this weekend! That's definitely first priorityyy, gotta meet that goal, Oct. 26.

love you,
love, me

mariel.

Dinner For Two

2008-09-14T23:11:00.000-07:00

"All I ever wanted was for me and the moon to shine."

So, today was an interesting dayyy.... lots of happenings. It is kind of hard to be interesting when opening up enough to blog about all things in life, while keeping vague enough to keep those moments untainted. Basically, everything between my morning shower and my nighttime music searches has been eye (and ear) opening! I lovvve it when life's like this :)

Had lunch with T the other day. Very, chill. I don't feel the need to be anything but real when we're together. There's always a small hope that I'm interesting and that I look good and stay sweet, but really it is so easy to be myself that I forget to worry about those things. I never hold my tongue. I try not to do this with other people but sometimes there's that person that you just cannot express evvvery last detail to, haha. Sometimes for their sake, sometimes for mine.

Oh man. J sang me a song today that was bananaaaas. So so so good.. It was basically the guy and girl getting in a fight and him saying sorry I was wrong please believe me. Y'know. He was sick and sounded incredible. Jerk.

H from SM called today... Supposedly I'm in the next round of the competition. I don't know how I feel about this. It's always exciting to know you're "good enough" for any opportunity, I'm just not positive this is the right opportunity for ME.... bytheway:

WE FINALIZED A NAAAAAME TODAY!

20:28 is the band name.. twentytwentyeight...... twenty28. His birthday is July 20 and mine's March 28 so, y'know. I love us. The name seems to be sticking so far. What's funny is that this was actually like the 2nd or 3rd name that was thrown out and for some reason I didn't think it was cool when I first heard it, but after hearing all the different ones we came up with, this one decided to pop up again and I think it actually got me :) Hopefully I don't change my mind again because we made the myspace, the blog, and the email... haha. I can make commitments, though, so I will wish me luck and continue writing for twenty28 in faith.

Oh, the picture is to say that I think I want to go out more. I think I feel cool when I treat myself to things... it may be because I feel successful when I do a job and get funds to do things that aren't mandatory. I almost went clubbing yesterday, but then the light turned green so I came to my senses, remmebering who I was, and turned into the parking garage homeward bound, haha.

love you,
love, me

mariel.

Relating To Barbie

2008-09-12T23:42:00.000-07:00

Today I had an interview for a management position at Aldo's. I cleaned up nice, I think. The wardrobe for Aldo's versus the wardrobe for Journey's are very different ends of the spectrum, but today I actually found a way to fit into both and still fit into me, so needless to say, I was pretty proud! The biggest thing, maybe, would be that I actually incorporated PINK into the fit. The saddest thing would definitely be that I'm actually writing about this on a Friday night. :) Nerd.

I definitely had a good day though, very productive, very mapped out and followed.. through... even though I don't know how to word that. I work again in 9 hours but am stuck listening to Tyler Hilton, How Love Should Be and getting drawn in by his lyrics, again. He's really freaking good at what he does.

There's a new girl at work, R. She's really sweet and honestly it's kind of nice having a girl around 'cause I then don't notice as much that I'm the only one. It was cool to help her in the store and kind of teach her the little things you pick up. It was also cool to go from a morning of errands to a 4pm meeting to a 5pm shift writing songs the whole time and finally singing them out loud on the car ride home. There's definitely something empowering about running shiz in pink patent leather pumps. Between the pink shoes, the pink earrings, and the pink members only jacket, I think I have filled the very small hole that is in my wardrobe which can handle that particular hue... It's completely safe to say that you won't see me in pink again until at least next month.

love you,
love, me

mariel.

Personal Myspace Persona.

2008-09-12T00:05:00.000-07:00

So, I've been thinking. It's funny how huge Myspace has gotten. There have been a lot of friend network thingys, but none have ever reached the ridiculous popularity level that myspace eased up to.

The picture there... yea. First of all, let me say that this is the first time I think I have ever actually looked like a 20 year old female in a photo, haha. Secondly, I think myspace is increasingly decreasing our face value as people.. I made that my little caption. See?! We, yes myself included, are really wrapped up in this little website. It's really odd, actually. We make references to it as if it's a huge part of our lives... We have phrases like, "Default pic," "You're on my top," and the worst, "Whore me." Ew.

I wonder what the world will come up with next.

love you,
love, me

mariel.

Tiger Balm.

2008-09-10T00:46:00.001-07:00

So, my apartment smells like Tiger Balm and the neighbor's cigarettes, I have a headache from it being smashed into the wall by a stranger aiding another stranger in attempting to steal my laptop FROM my lap, and I'm hungry for something other than the ever-present boxes of cereal that inhabit my cabinets while leaving my stomach completely bare. On the bright side, I figured out how to use the internet on my laptop (which luckily isn't broken) through the internet provided on my fone so.... now I can write about alluvitt.

I wrote a rap today, pretty sick, I think. Met some interesting customers at work who don't understand personal space, haha... and I also read a ridiculous email from CA that listed a number of books that McCain's VP candidate, Palin, tried to get BANNED. I will share.

A Clockwork Orange by Anthony Burgess

A Wrinkle in Time by Madeleine L'Engle

Annie on My Mind by Nancy Garden

As I Lay Dying by William Faulkner

Blubber by Judy Blume

Brave New World by Aldous Huxley

Bridge to Terabithia by Katherine Paterson

Canterbury Tales by Chaucer

Carrie by Stephen King

Catch-22 by Joseph Heller

Christine by Stephen King

Confessions by Jean-Jacques Rousseau

Cujo by Stephen King

Curses, Hexes, and Spells by Daniel Cohen

Daddy's Roommate by Michael Willhoite

Day No Pigs Would Die by Robert Peck

Death of a Salesman by Arthur Miller

Decameron by Boccaccio

East of Eden by John Steinbeck

Fallen Angels by Walter Myers

Fanny Hill (Memoirs of a Woman of Pleasure) by John Cleland

Flowers For Algernon by Daniel Keyes

Forever by Judy Blume

Grendel by John Champlin Gardner

Halloween ABC by Eve Merriam

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone by J.K. Rowling

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets by J.K. Rowling

Harry Potter and the Prizoner of Azkaban by J.K. Rowling

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire by J.K. Rowling

Have to Go by Robert Munsch

Heather Has Two Mommies by Leslea Newman

How to Eat Fried Worms by Thomas Rockwell

Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain

I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings by Maya Angelou

Impressions edited by Jack Booth

In the Night Kitchen by Maurice Sendak

It's Okay if You Don't Love Me by Norma Klein

James and the Giant Peach by Roald Dahl

Lady Chatterley's Lover by D.H. Lawrence

Leaves of Grass by Walt Whitman

Little Red Riding Hood by Jacob and Wilhelm Grimm

Lord of the Flies by William Golding

Love is One of the Choices by Norma Klein

Lysistrata by Aristophanes

More Scary Stories in the Dark by Alvin Schwartz

My Brother Sam Is Dead by James Lincoln Collier and Christopher

Collier

My House by Nikki Giovanni

My Friend Flicka by Mary O'Hara

Night Chills by Dean Koontz

Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck

On My Honor by Marion Dane Bauer

One Day in The Life of Ivan Denisovich by Alexander Solzhenitsyn

One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest by Ken Kesey

One Hundred Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez

Ordinary People by Judith Guest

Our Bodies, Ourselves by Boston Women's Health Collective

Prince of Tides by Pat Conroy

Revolting Rhymes by Roald Dahl

Scary Stories 3: More Tales to Chill Your Bones by Alvin Schwartz

Scary Stories in the Dark by Alvin Schwartz

Separate Peace by John Knowles

Silas Marner by George Eliot

Slaughterhouse-Five by Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.

Swimming Upstream, Slowly by Melissa Clark

Tarzan of the Apes by Edgar Rice Burroughs

The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain

The Adventures of Tom Sawyer by Mark Twain

The Bastard by John Jakes

The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger

The Chocolate War by Robert Cormier

The Color Purple by Alice Walker

The Devil's Alternative by Frederick Forsyth

The Figure in the Shadows by John Bellairs

The Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck

The Great Gilly Hopkins by Katherine Paterson

The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood

The Headless Cupid by Zilpha Snyder

The Learning Tree by Gordon Parks

The Living Bible by William C. Bower

The Merchant of Venice by William Shakespeare

The New Teenage Body Book by Kathy McCoy and Charles Wibbelsman

The Pigman by Paul Zindel

The Seduction of Peter S. by Lawrence Sanders

The Shining by Stephen King

The Witches by Roald Dahl

The Witches of Worm by Zilpha Snyder

Then Again, Maybe I Won't by Judy Blume

To Kill A Mockingbird by Harper Lee

Twelfth Night by William Shakespeare

Webster's Ninth New Collegiate Dictionary by the Merrium-Webster

Editorial Staff

Witches, Pumpkins, and Grinning Ghosts: The Story of the Halloween

Symbols by Edna Barth

Seriously? Hm.... this is something to think about. I'm glad (and pretty surprised, actually) that she didn't have The Giver on this list or I would've had some serious complaints.

love you,
love, me

mariel.

Come On

2008-09-05T03:08:00.000-07:00

You knew another blog was comin tonight :)

Questions of Today:
- Why is today such a bloggy one?
Ahdunno. The headache may have had some influence on the brain's progression throughout the past hours.
- When do you plan to stop believing?
Sadly, nevaaaa.
- Why is Jacob Luttrell so beastly?
Seriously. He is amaaazing!

Answers of Today:
- I realized I am going to be making much more money than I had planned.
- I was wrong about M and worried for nothing. This is a wonderful thing :)
- I may need to write less rock.

I think there may be something in the street that is bad for skin. Mama no likey. Better note, I wrote another really good little thing today :) I just have problems converting them to catchy songs.... Shipoopy, I say. Bytheway, I have far too much passion in me to be in the position I am currently faced with. imjustsayinnn.

love you,
love, me.

mariel.

To You

2008-09-05T01:05:00.001-07:00

Hello again,
you're back, I see.
It's been awhile,
thought you'd forgotten me.
But here you are,
I should've known.
You've watched me fall
and seen how much I've grown.
It's nice you're back,
empty isn't easy.
Atleast when I'm lonely
I'm alone completely...

How freakin sad, haha. Wowza. Tomorrow is going to be amazing :)

love you,
love, me.

mariel.

10:57PM

2008-09-04T22:55:00.000-07:00

Dude, this band... haha manohman. So, talked to M today and they are doing extreeeemely well. They're so so so close to where they need to be, it's such a good thing to hear! I have been posting stuff from my fone and it refeuses to show, so that's no good :( Today was kind of a poop day but it went well with yesterday, haha.. atleast things are staying consistent, right? Seriously, though... I was looking thru our list of songs and I think I really like them, actually. I'm a little proud of us considering we only have me and him on the guitar.. we've done pretty well for ourselves, haha. I'm currently sitting in a little back hallway that I'm not supposed to be in, using internet that I'm not supposed to have. Sorry.

GO GO GO:

myspace.com/2amclub

love you,

love, me.

mariel.

Shady.

2008-09-04T01:46:00.001-07:00

So, confusion and i are at it again! Laaame. It almost makes me wish things were easy... ;)

I watched Rad tonight, how funny i that? And work today was a beast but I got an ample amount of compliments on my Transfer t-shirt... which, much to my dismay, can now be considered vintage of some sorts. Didn't have a very good day, the night wasn't running too smoothly either but i DID

- figure out guitar chords for my favorite song of ours
- meet a sweet C with the classic WB swag that i tip my hat to
- act as recipient to a much needed Black Current Vanilla massage
- write a really good poem
- decide that i may be looking into adding pink to my wardrobe... haha don't ask. not that you would. cuz really... you is me and i already know what im talking about :)

Anyway, its back to slumber with an empty palm, but the morning will bring new chances with dreams within our grasp.

love you,
love, me

mariel.

snaps.

2008-08-20T01:47:00.000-07:00

Dude. So, the first was drawn by the second. I did pretty ok, right? Manohman you have to see this other one i drew - so cool. The second picture was taken by Miss Rodene, so yay to her artistictivity :)

I have been stressing a little, not that that's an update. Over nothing big, just the same stuff. BUT I also have been writing really cool songs! I need a band so badly.

And Ali I'm sorry champ, but you gotta face it: you're superhuman, you's no sidekick ;)

love you,
love,

me.

SHOWtime.

2008-08-15T00:58:00.000-07:00

UH k. so i tried to find a picture of the stage but couldnt. we're performing on saturdayyy :)

oh, betty
let's fly

love you,

love, me

mariel.

not sad...

2008-08-14T01:59:00.000-07:00

...just not happy.

Been trying to figure out if I'm a heroine or a vicitm. I think I'm both, but I can't decide which suit I fit into more often. I definitely need a sidekick, though. One I don't feel the need to lie to, in order to be enough. One who knows me better than I know myself. I need the kind of sidekick that really is the head of all operations, but is too good of a sidekick to tell me that. Said sidekick is not dishonest, not there to stroke my ego, but definitely knows how to make me feel worthy, and valid and.. super, in the world of superheroic beings, of course. I need someone who doesn't need a bright symbol to be shone into the night sky to know that I'm in need of them... they should be available in the day, too. Said someone would never be angered when my choices weren't in line with his, but would somehow take control and guide us right if what I had decided was just clearly not for the best. He would be kind, but firm. Sensitive and honest. Ridiculously strong, but never overbearing. I need someone so comfortable in his own suit that I may or may not forget that he is wearing it, sometimes. I need someone so geniuine, completely ready to take on his own battles, that mine become bonuses, challenges, not tasks. I need someone who makes me better, just by being around. I need someone who knows what I need and delivers without veering away from his true and natural state. I definitely just need someone real.

love you,
love, me

mariel.

integrity. UPDATED

2008-08-11T15:50:00.000-07:00

i know you realize that the integrity of the game should not be compromised
i wonder if you regret that your own integrity is not as steadfast
oh, betty.

so i've been trying to solidify a bunch of lists of my favorite things - voices, songs, crayons, haha. i jacked this idea from M, of course. anyway, in no particular order, i have a few voices set to share.

- mauli b
- marc griffin
- takia mathis
- jacob luttrell

SO good. i'll add more soon, im sure, and there will definitely be a follow up of this little list. the others soon will follow suit :)

love you,
love, me

mariel.

i would have...

2008-08-09T00:29:00.000-07:00

...given you all of my heart.

So, I think I'm gonna start singing some stuff of youtube. I sing all day anyway, I might as well record it somehow, y'know? I think. I'm at Ms house and the internet suuucks but I will be on my way home soon and into that scary parking garage soon, haha. Ugh, I hate that thing. I'm writing a really good song right now. And I have been wanting to draw and dude.. I'm doing GOOD. I have two sketches that are pretty considering the fact that I've never really been into drawing. I'll get them up here soon enough. Hope all is well,

love you,
love, me

mariel.

Jacoda Lane

2008-08-07T17:39:00.000-07:00

aww do you remember the tiiiiime...

Jacoda Lane

don't forget about me, baby

2008-08-06T01:03:00.001-07:00

...i won't forget about you, baby

things chaaaange. so we've written two songs in two days and i feel very productive. we have a nice little selection that could potentially be our first set. im waiting on this answer from mtv and of course my body is waiting on a good time to stop hurting.... cue crickets. UGH. oh, life.

love you,
love, me

mariel.

i really need you

2008-08-03T02:32:00.000-07:00

right now, more than ever,

and you'll never understand how much.

love you,

love, me

mariel.

audition...

2008-07-30T02:09:00.001-07:00

...is tomorrow

We worked hard for our two days of togetherness, haha. The test will be in tomorrow's performance. Can Treble pull it off? Hmm. Ahdunno, but we shall see!

Aside from that, haven't been feeling as stable (don't know if that's the right word but its a good little segway haha) as i should lately, and then today i experienced my first earthquake! Ironic, right? I love it. The world works in funny ways... But then i just listen to jacob and the transfer, write a song and all things are better. Haha :)

Goodnight, im gonna watch Doomsday.

Love you,
Love, me

mariel.

UGH

2008-07-23T12:23:00.000-07:00

freakin a. i dont know what to dooooooooo. mtv for sure or idol in the dark. i wish one of these would stick out and slap me in the face like a no-brainer but no diiiice.

love you,
love, me

mariel.

it's alright...

2008-07-23T01:09:00.000-07:00

...is just what you say

you always tell me to let it go and let my stresses fall prey to absence, you're careless like that, but in a good way, in a good sense. makin' sure i know there's always an alternative and tomorrow turns into a new today, so today's ultimately gonna turn towards the term of yesterday, im stubborn, though. i never really hear the first time, you know? i need it repeated or my mind will delete it, i need to hear things twice or thrice or like a funnel it withers nice and evenly to black.

i like to put myself in the rain and like the way the darkness wraps up around the day, i soak in sorrowful things cuz im used to the wallowing, singing hollow rings around the corner to no one but me. im stubborn, so you're always there coaching me through, never boasting but you tell me of every time you've felt born anew when a new problem had arised just before your eyes and just before your thighs gave way for your knees to buckle and break your stature free, you stacked up your dignity and supported it with prayer between each layer of hope and so eventually you stood.

standing for violence and for hate to take way on its hell bent, hell-sent, rage-filled journey to the depths of the deeper peace that rests within you and with me, and the rest, we stand witness to this hero's tragedy. without apathy, we bear testimony only of the test that we saw in the raw, naive and misleading lack of fear in your eyes. for we know not your pain and we know not your fight and while we think of you brave, you secretly hide in your sty like that of a cave and cry yourself to sleep while nights chain the memories to dreams to sustain the root of your screams but to us it seems, the truth of the matter after what you have deemed it to be, is alright.

but that's just what you say.

love you,
love, me

mariel.

things...

2008-07-20T14:44:00.000-07:00

...that don't suck:

Unexpected texts
Strangers
A tuned guitar
Full gas tanks
The little girl yelling, "That's why dad named you Joe Dirt!"
Feeling like you're wanted
Home
Accomplishing a ridiculous goal
Accepting a compliment
Fruity Pebbles over frozen yogurt
Cake
Being able to turn to a blog in uncomfortable situations

Love you,
Love, me

mariel.

2008-07-20T02:16:00.001-07:00

we are all struggling, we're all hurt. even the strongest man, outside, trembles at the thought of pain inside. we might hide it, but we cry a little more than people think. and we might fight it, but it feels good after all. we give energy to the downside, giving work to the upside, and turning things around for those of naivety. opening eyes and shooting the stars. i wish i could be there for you, i wish i was your balance. if i just knew what made you tick i could ease it all away. if we just listened and talked a little more.... we could help and lie a little less. you hear what im saying but not quite what i've said, i know. and i forgive you. but forgive me for being too frank? forgive me for feeding you the truths of my sorrow and expecting the thought of them to be easier to swallow for you than the very fact of them for me. my kisses can't heal you. my hugs are no help. but the emotion behind them is what i want you to feel. i am small and weak and weary in the cold but my heart should be enough to warm your soul... my words should take your worries away and my presence should ward off anything that dare come near enough to harm you.

there comes a point where we stop letting each other try. we give a nod and acknowledge the finish line. we're done, we've given up, we've failed. to the best of my knowledge, we haven't reached that point so please... don't give up on us yet. in the times of need prior to this speech i have been ready to let you go but this time, you can struggle and squirm and beg for a release but i believe in you far too much to let the faith that you hold in yourself -for yourself- pass.

love you,
love, me.

mariel.

Upside...

2008-07-20T01:42:00.000-07:00

...down.

manohman. i feel like my world is turning, well, as implied. there are some.. interesting people in my life, haha. it's funny when the unfamiliar becomes routine and the norm seems alien to me. i realize im speaking as if the world revolves around none other than myself, but it IS my blog. and nobody reads it but me and you. :)

basically, i've gotten myself into few traps that could've easily been avoided had i listened to my instincts. but that would have just been way too logical and far too easy for my complication-loving live so y'know. i do what i cannn.

i need security... stability. and singing, duh. too much t'ask?
i promise if you give me the road i have the drive.
i hope everyone, well i hope YOU are well, haha.

love you,
love, me.

mariel.

21+

2008-07-16T02:33:00.000-07:00

...Questions.

So, hey. M just left and right before that, M & K dipped out as well... I think I've been in this house for too long today so I want to talk to someone but this survey is easily the next best thing at 4am :)

Okay people, answer in detail!

1. Who was the last person you...
- hugged? Josh T @ raw night.
- cried over? Lolo, he said some stuff to D and they hit some insecure issues o' mine :(
- kissed? Marc's cheek, i believe.
- danced with? Kayleigh, kind of. i was doing my inverts on the roof while she did her Y kicks, or something.. if that doesn't count, it would have to be Dave before they hit the road, haha. We worked on his piano moves... bomb.
- had a sleepover with? Technically, Marc. But my house was on 7 deep status with all of 2AM CLUB here + Mike Cheek! Well, and then M'apples and Nii came through but that was only for like 3 hours so I don't think that even counts.
- were angry with? This ass of a man at the dealership. Don't talk to me like I'm a 4 year old, thanks. And don't put your hands on me, chump.
- couldn't take your eyes off of? Haha, this girl at the ice cream shop. She was so pretty and so sweet and just way too happy to not look at.

2. Have you...
- danced in the rain? Yessir. Literally, and for Singing In The Rain.
- been kissed on the forehead? Yes... come to think of it, it may be safe to say that my forehead has gotten way more action than my actual designated area for kissing. How sad is that?
- shoplifted? Yes. Long time ago, i prommmise.
- drank alcohol? No. Sippy sip sip years and years and years ago. And church in the past, haha.
- slept around? Nope. Mama's good.. and that's not very hella clean :) Yesss.
- partied til the sun came up? Why, yes. Bytheway, John Legend es un genius.
- gone too far on a dare? Haha, nothing comes to mind but i am kind of thinking yes...? We have definitely done some stupid things.

3. Can you...
- name the first or last 10 presidents? Haha, no. Aw... i feel so out of the politically versed loop.
- touch your elbows behind your back? Ok, no. That sounds really easy.. and looks really funny.
- list all the people you've kissed? Well, yea. Am i being expected to, or... how about this: T, E, M, C, J, R, Q, A, and J. Those are all the ones that meant something. Haha, and ALL of them have inspired songs.
- identify your boy/girlfriend's scent? Haha... hahaha. That's really funny for some reason.
- solve a Rubic's Cube? UGH! i will one day, i swear.
- quote the Matrix? "What if i can't?" YESSS im good.
- count the number of texts you got/sent today? Riiiight.

4. Finish the sentence...
- I love to: sing.
- I need: sleep.
- I am a: sleepy singer.
- Where did all the: truth go?
- I want: him, haha. oh, me.
- Who has my: big toe! Omy, i hope someone remembers that scary story book with that in there.
- I never: am one of the girls, haha.

5. Gimme a line...
- Garth Brooks? The thunder rolls, and the lightning striiikes.. good song.
- 50 Cent? You say I talk too fast but if you listen a little faster i won't have to slow down for you to keep up. Aww man i don't know if i remember this all the way right but its somethin like that.
- Da Brat? I'm in love witchu more than my car, more than my house, more than the night i kept your name comin' out my mouth. GOOD SONG.
- Hannah Montana? I st-st-stuttered when you asked me what I'm thinkin' bout... right?
- Notorious BIG? Relax and take notes, while I take tokes of the marijuana smoke.
- Red Hot Chili Peppers? I like pleasure spiked with pain and music is my aeroplane. DOPE, yea?
- Your Favorite Singer? Instead i'm with the band photo shootin, i sing songs from a place that is sub-human. YES best ever.

6. So...
- if a hobo gave you an ice cream, would you feel guilty taking it from him? Haha, what? No... i don't think so. if i picture myself in this situation, i probably would feel guilty not taking it because i can't imagine why he would think that i would need it more than him.. so i'd probably take it to please him.
- what if you had a long lost twin? i would hope that she were cooler than m'self. or he.. haha.
- do you have a favorite body part? On me or on other people? Cuz on me.... hm. i like my collar area, sometimes. Sometimes my back or my little hip. Haha... on other people i might say i like hands.. and mouths and arms.
- what song got you through your last tough time? wow 2am club all day. it actually was the TRANSFER's You Can Look. manohmannn.
- ever cheat/been cheated on? No and not that i know of, haha.
- who made you smile last? In person, Marc, Panda Marc, not 2amc Marc, this time haha.
- have you ever done an impersonation of Arnold? Actually, yes but NEVER for anyone to hear, haha. i'm just really bad at it, that's why.

7. Finally...
- how did your last relationship end? Haha. We kind of just weren't working.. did the in between thing for awhile, broke it off, he made a mistake and then we were through. We're cool, though.
- what was the last meal you finished completely? Tonight's dinner, actually! I got chicken teriyaki and shrimp tempura with gyoza. A California roll and some kind of coconut ice cream dessert. Um, YES.
- Kathryn McPhee is Over It. Are you? Haha, i believe that yes, i am over the proverbial it.
- you just had the perfect date, how do you end it? We plan to plan another date, silly.
- if you're burning a mixed cd for your secret crush, what song finishes it off? Haha secret crush, huh. Hm.. The Way You Make Me Feel by MJ or Kiss by Prince :)
- you crossed the finish line! What were you running for? Well, the last run was for Women's Cancer Research shout out to lolaaaaa.
- any unfinished business? Yes, the sleep that I just fell into.

love you,
love, me

mariel.

would you rather...

2008-07-13T06:05:00.001-07:00

- Get a speeding citation... at the airport
- Pay for vehicle registration 1 and 1/2 times
- Have your car impounded
- Be a victim of identity theft
- Have your bank account frozen... at -$152.00
- Lose a puppy
- Hear a quote from a loved one denying your success in life
- Be stuck in Utah threatening to be forced to miss your friend's birthday

Hm. I have no choice! I am suffering from each of these little pains... SHIPOOPY. The only thing that is getting me through this right now is Track 5 on the good ol' Transfer cd, haha. I just wrote the coolest blog ever about how awesome my week has been, and now looky. Frick, I say. And at this point, I still haven't slept. My little brain will not stop spinning (in circles while the sunlight dims?) and it is no good. I really gotta get some rest in because tomorrow/today is about to be a big day. Ends only mean new beginnings, haha ahhhh I lovethisband. I hope to write a song tomorrow/today, Taylor Swift inspired me today/last night. We are way too similar, it's kinda creepy.

Better extreme than a pain so dull.

Geeeeeenius.

I hope that the whole 'learn from my mistakes' thing kicks in quick. I have so many things that I am completely ignorant to and this needs to change. There are things that I want and things that I need... I hope I can learn to decipher which is which. I need to learn to stand alone.

Love you,
Love, me

mariel.

Love learning,
Love, me

a week...

2008-07-13T00:40:00.000-07:00

...of weakness.

Manohman. (I get so weak in the knees, I can hardly speak) I have been surrounded by musicians and I feel so inadequate in comparison! It also makes me wanna work way harder and get into the swing of things for my own music to rise to the levels it should be capable of. I saw a bunch of bands play today. I have been completely spoiled, haha. I saw The Maine, Metro Station, Boys Like Girls, Good Charlotte, Love You Long Time, and most importantly, The 2AM CLUB. My musical horizons are opening up to so many new things... can you tell I really feel like writing a song? I really need a band to help me expand on everything that I'm doing. I want to perform!

Love music,
Love, me

mariel.

know better...

2008-07-08T00:56:00.000-07:00

...do better.

That is the motto for today. Actually no, for in general. :) Haha, yes, grammar. I haven't been acting as good of a person as I actually am, so the goal is to abolish that immediately! I drive tomorrow morning, but I haven't packed and I haven't slept. Oops, no. Purposeful are my actions because I have been, well actually I have been locked out of my house haha but other than that, I have been finishing a song! Yessss. I don't know why I am talking so strangely and I don't know why I don't do it more often.

I was reading today about this idea that the reason it is easier to speak than to sing is because you don't think about speaking. You're not consciously trying to make your voice hold out or hit a certain pitch or sound pretty in a certain tone. You just speak off of your emotions. Left brain, it says. It goes on to say that if we learn to 'release our voice from its imprisonment,' and let it sing freely from the left brain, we'll just be super good. Hm. Maybe the fact that I sing more than I speak has something to do with my nervousness in conversations on stage. I think about what I'm saying in my in between song dialog, whereas I just sing and it comes out natural. Hhhinteresting.

I must record this song!

love it,
love, me

mariel.l

what i need...

2008-07-07T03:24:00.000-07:00

...immediately:

- to pack
- energy to drive the 13 hours
- yogotango
- to become a ridiculous musician
- sleeeeep.
- al to do my photoshoot. yes you little nookie, i know you're reading this. we must shoot some crazy pictures in which i actually look presentable. deal?

love you,
love, me

mariel.

KT...

2008-07-05T14:51:00.000-07:00

...Tunstall

is sickening. I'm working on a song right now and it reminds me of herrr :) Found another poem, let's share. If you know what it is about you're incredible.

remove the clothes
change the songs
we can keep the hair, it's fine

we both know
we don't write wrongs
won't change your eyes, can't change mine

black to the ears
free of same
but the risk proves to be too big

backlight on fears
delete the name
be the next follower, take the next swig

drunk on conformity
high on power
gluttony and darkness defeat us as one

no, i know better
and come closing time
i'll stay sober, toasting in the sun

love you,
love, me

mariel.

In...

2008-07-04T01:41:00.000-07:00

...dependence.

Remember when we were kids, and the most important thing in school was to trace the little dotted lines? We had to trace the already written letters so that we could learn the ever-so important task of writing out our names. I remember when all I wanted to know was the answer to, "Who am I?" I remember a time when everyone I knew genuinely liked me, nobody befriended me to use me, nobody talked behind my back and nobody turned theirs to me. It's funny how you can be having a horrible day when a stranger asks, "How are you," and without thinking, you just lie. "I'm good, you?" Sometimes it actually makes me feel better, their smile. Sometimes I come away knowing that I fully deceived this random person but it isn't a big enough matter to stress about because they have no idea about my day versus any other day and may have very well only asked because that is what common courtesy called for. This is a poem/rap (when i read it to myself) about my frustrations, haha.

Strangers

I liked when we were strangers
kindness was everything
now every zone is dangerous
we talk like we don't mean a thing

Speaking when we have to
with an air of being factual
finding ways just to attack
using words to battle fro and to the back,
fourth, and fifth time again
when do we mend,
when are we back to being friends?

I'm sick of our one ups
and I'm tired of fuck ups
fundamentally challenge me
and come correct with courtesy

I'll buy into it, I promise
and give into you, I liked it
back when we strangers
when more than what your name was
was what I lived for
I was driven to get more
I just wanted to be you but vision's thrown askew by
what I bargained for
cuz you're reckless
you're heartless
and it's rubbing off, you see
we wrecked it
let's start this
over.. Hi, nice to meet

me.

Love you,
Love, me

mariel.

vanilla spray...

2008-07-02T12:45:00.000-07:00

...and a dare.

Really. I almost disappoint myself sometimes, but then I think of how I would feel if my kid spent her days filling her mouth with vanilla body spray vs. filling her mouth with much dirtier things and I end up being okay with my choices, haha.

So, I have yet to come across a person who does not support Obama. Crazy right? I'm kind of thinking this will change when I visit Utah. I kind of feel bad for saying that but what's worse is that I'm probably correct in my assumption! Oh, world.

I am making the lonnng drive out to Utah by myself and to tell you the truth, I'm pretty excited. I know that in the days leading up to it, I will complain and talk the usual trash on Utah, but I have a feeling this trip will not be a wasted one.

And while in Utah, I am determined to educate myself on the happenings with this election.

Love you,
Love, me

mariel.

Deal or...

2008-07-01T12:11:00.001-07:00

...no deal?

I am sitting in this little holding area waiting to go sit and wait for someone to wait for the Banker to give said someone some money. As I wait, let's talk about this little encounter I just had:

Man was just burning a hole completely through my head and after 6 solid meetings of eye contact, I couldn't hold my laughter in anymore. Two chairs away, turned fully in my direction, chin in hand, staring at me. I was so close to asking him if there was something I could help him with when he goes,

"What song are you singing?"

"Oh, my friend wrote it," said friend being M, of course. What a loser fan I am haha wowww.

"You look like a girl on tv.. on Dance War. You look like her."

Needless to say, it was very good that I did not go off on this man because that would nottt have been a good look. And if by chance you are reading this, Sir, please understand I have nothing against you... I just am not used to people knowing who I am... y'know? Y'know. Thanks for your kindness :)

Love love,
Love, me

mariel.

I'm gonna say...

2008-07-01T00:32:00.000-07:00

...three.

Yes, there are exactly three people in this world who are really good at making me feel like a complete dumb ass. Sometimes, I am the one who gets disrespected and yet I still come away from the confrontation feeling remorse. Almost feeling sorry that they felt the need to really take it to that extreme... But every time, without a miss, I find myself wanting to apologize to THEM. Even when I'm not wrong. What the heckopants. This is when I write a song.

There is one person I would love to text, but won't.
One person I would like to hug, but can't.
A few people I need to find.
One person I need to find me.

My head hurts :( But I heard from M that thinking about it will just give it energy, so nevermind what I just said... I'm now thinking that I'm talking way to much about M. Assuming you agree, tomorrow I'm going to Deal or No Deal with Q. This should be interesting... Also interesting: I wrote a rap roday. About... well, about M, haha. Dang. Not thinking about him lasted a good 3 seconds. It was really in the least creepy way possible, the writing of the rap. I've never felt a heart beat as slow as his did. That's kind of what it's about. I wrote about my situation with Utah, too, and D. I think if I really want all of this stuff off of my mind, I'm gonna have to sleep. They'll probably filter their way into my dreams but it's then beyond my control so I'm really not to blame at that point, haha.

Love you,
Love, me

mariel.

Rehearsal...

2008-06-30T17:47:00.000-07:00

...of 2amc

Was CRAZY, here is some. I'm obviously way short or in a very small chair. Both are true.

Love them,
Love, me

Mariel.

umm...

2008-06-28T23:03:00.000-07:00

...yes.

can we have a how high moment just reeeeal fast:

pimpin since been pimpin since been pimpinnnn.

Sitting next to M hoping that his genius rubs off on me. i love music.

love you,

love, me

mariel.